let her go.

the flickering soothed her soul
drip, drip, drip swirled through her head as the wax melted
it was soundless, but her head was noisy enough.
another sleepless night, another candle wasted.

her spirit sank, her breathing heavy, what had she done?
his blank stare scarred her brain.
his head hung lower than her heavy heart.
this was the mess she had created.

two lives intertwined as one.
best friends, always and forever?
but how does one remain in a bond
when one knows the other one's heart is in a different place?

the recollection of his raised voice startled her all over again.
his veins popped, something she was accustomed to, but never towards her.
'okay' she whispered again and again, a broken record.
her cheeks wet, their friendship as flighty as a skipping track.

when do you set someone free?
toxicity flows through their bond.
tears flow too freely.
her heart reveals the truth she refused to acknowledge.

love sometimes means letting go.
when one person loves and the other is in love?
you have to cut the ties that bind.
scissors to the soul.

when the pain in the now will beat the pain in the long run,
when it takes everything in my power i will set you free.
the cliche plays through her mind as her eyes flutter;
this hurts me most.

back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how to deal with the despair of someone breaking your heart.

there are some things that school just does not prepare you for.

like: broken hearts, student loan payments, and the fact that you may just not be cut out for one career.

i'm pretty sure a UFO just went by my house... anyways...

we're drilled to pick a major to help us get a career we're going to have forever.

but what happens when we aren't awesome at one thing but merely great at many things?

i can make a cake a masterpiece, i have the eye for photography, i'm awesome at retail, apparently. i'd love to have my own business. i work well with children. i can relate, since i never grew up.

so maybe, just maybe, what i need are several jobs that each fulfill a different aspect of my interests. maybe i'm not typical. maybe i wont ever hold a 9-5 job with a desk or office.

i think i've blogged about this before. but i mean it. i'm going after subbing. first as an aid, eventually as a teacher. I wanna dabble in many things. this opens up my time for still staying at pagoda and also pursuing other dreams.

life is just weird like that.

it's funny what you can come up with when it's 1am, you're exhausted, and your brain won't shut off. there is entirely too much going on right now for my brain to be able to comprehend. but i'm hoping it works out for me in the end.

happy birthday to me.

How many times can you be shot down before enough is enough?
How many times can something intervene in the universe before you throw in the towel?
When do you finally crack down and realize you are an awesome human being and you deserve more?

I'll answer these for you. You crack down when you find yourself spending a full day in a state of extreme terror over your life decisions up until this point. And you just give up when you realize no matter how many times you try, you always end up back at square one.

I've spent so long chasing after something and someone that I became blindsided on the way. Like you look back and realize 5+ years of your life has gone by and you're in exactly the same location, running in the same circles, but you get so far out of the circle and then a wormhole appears and sends you right back to the beginning of the circle and then you start running again.

Yet, when you make the conscious decision to do something about it, like, you're going to finally have that  conversation and every fucking time you try, something steps in the way. So what next? Do you keep running or do you stop and stand there like an idiot? This week, I stopped running. I stopped running and started digging. Because did I forget to mention the million foot wall around the circle? A wall of memories and good times that keep you running. They never go away. So, I have to dig my way out. And the dirt i'm digging is filled with the bad memories and i need to keep digging through it to get out. But the dirt is... heavy. and it weighs heavy on my heart and i have to keep stopping to compose myself. But i need to keep digging because i can not do this anymore.

What sucks the most though is that once i'm out, once i find my way out of this arena, i have to start over. I always had this idea in the back of my head that, in the end, this was who i was going to end up with. so i didn't need to try, i didnt need to meet people. but now? if i don't try, if i don't start over, i'm going to be alone forever. and that, my friends, is where my head is at.

happy 24th (and 5 days) to me.

Time.

Sometimes life just moves excruciatingly fast. I'll think back to something that felt like 20 minutes ago and realize it's been 2 days. It's almost July, and June passed by as quickly as May and April. It's so weird. The days run together and moments become a blur and nights turn into days. Maybe it's just me? But this year is going by so fast.

I'm going to be 24. That's hard for me to handle. It's like... nothing happens at 24. Nobody writes songs about being 24. There's no perks or privileges with the age.

So while time is moving by at warp speed, I'm sort of just here... stuck.

Nothing is changing. But everything is changing at the same time.

My life is so different than it was a year ago. I'm a completely different person. I've lost a lot. I've gained a lot. I'm completely... new. I'm more psychotic but also more endearing. I've lost a lot of friends. But I realized who my true ones are. I've learned that not everyone is going to make an effort to stay in your life and that's okay... because some people just don't deserve a spot. Life might be lonelier with just a few friends but it's so much less stressful. I've learned you can't please everyone. You're not going to be there for every important moment in everyone you love's lives. You're going to miss stuff. You're going to have to work. Or reschedule. Or plan things 3 weeks in advance to see people you used to see everyday.

Sometimes I feel like i've completely lost my mind. I talk to myself. And inanimate objects. I still have stuffed animals everywhere. I'm way more forgetful. I'm way more moody. But I'm way more honest. For the most part. If you ask me a question I will be totally honest with you.

This year has just... flown by.

I guess that's the purpose of this post.

why i decided to delete my facebook... then make a hasty return.

Facebook gives me a headache. I'm not even joking. I've been back for 24 hours and already it wouldn't let me delete half my "friends" without trying to get me to add more, it wants me to add my phone number (um, no.) It won't work on my iphone without some serious patience. It's... horrible.

I deleted it because I was sick of the drama, sick of the people, sick of people knowing where I was at all times, what I was doing (because seriously, if you have it, you need to update this shit). So it went away. And maybe for like a day I kept trying to look for it to check into places but then? I really did not care.

Word to the wise- people will not be okay with this decision.

It's so much easier to put your life news on facebook so everyone can just read it, instead of sending a text or picking up a phone to update the people you care about. I get it, I'm not the only one in your life that you need to update. You have 235876580+ friends who need to know too. But seriously, when did we all rely on social media to keep people involved in our lives? I feel like I'm closer to people I don't even know, who live thousands of miles away, because I read their blog, than I am to people who live right in town.

SO I protested and left.

Another life lesson- if you're deleting Facebook, and you don't have a back up of your 700+ photos since 2006, back them up. NOW. or you'll be going back and doing just that.

I don't know if I'm going to keep it yet or not. If you're reading this, and you were my facebook friend but suddenly aren't, seriously, don't even trying starting shit with me about it because I will laugh in your face and probably tell you to go fuck yourself. It's FACEBOOK. Not real life.

But I do know, having a photography 'business' is hard without it. And apparently you can't keep your pages if you don't have an active account. So I may be stuck with it. I have learned though, that I refuse to rely on it. Is it good for a few laughs from the fan pages? Heck yeah- but nothing I can't get off of pinterest. Do I enjoy seeing friends' baby pictures that they post in a haste? Duh- but I do have picture messaging capabilities.

It is what it is. But I decided that this summer I was gonna rid myself of the clutter and the drama and I intend to stick to that. I just may have an active account that I don't use while doing so.

don't be falling in love, as she's walking away.

Summer of jail cells and iced coffee.

What do I do with my time?

I work. More than you, most likely. (No offense...) I drink a lot of coffee. I take pictures. I'm a faithful Instagram checker and Pinterest pinner. I dream about tattoos, when im not searching for them. I watch weird stuff on Netflix and ondemand. 

But now, it's summer. I deleted my Facebook, gave up some bad habits, and overall I'm attempting to be a more functioning member of society instead of being cooped up in my house all day everyday. Life is really weird. I was laid off from my primary income job meaning there's a good chance my bills won't get paid and ill end up in a jail cell by summers end. But whatever;I'll deal with that when the time comes. 

So instead of spending this summer taking kickboxing classes and working on massive DIY Pinterest projects and perfecting my wardrobe and getting all the tattoos and going on long road trips with friends to dinoland and the beach I will be here. Finding non expensive ways to get out and have fun. Going to the lake instead of the beach. Working full time hours in a non air conditioned box in the middle of a mall that I can't stand for slightly more than minimum wage. 

My extra cash will go into my tattoo fund and be spent on iced coffee. (You know times are rough when I give up my daily dunkin runs for homemade coffee in a to go cup.) 

This summer I'm not making any promises, I'm not playing by any rules, and I just want to have fun. In whatever ways i can find it.

why i wasn't cut out for teaching.

For a really long time after I made my decision to stop grad school I felt like a failure. I had been so excited and so hyped up about it since I made the initial decision that it made me feel crazy for even considering not just finishing what I started. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would make a kick ass teacher... I just wouldn't be able to in the world we live in today.

Not where academics are so focused on standardized testing.

Not where memorization takes such a precedent over exploration of content.

Not where the college professors teaching future teachers are teaching us to do one thing then telling us that that just isn't how schools work.

I think memorizing is stupid.  The world is designed nowadays that information is readily available with a flick of the unlock screen on your smart phone. Why spend so much time focused on memorization (except for basic math...) when you can be focusing on teaching kids how to go about finding the information they need. Teach kids the difference between reliable sources and not reliable sources.

Because as I've learned, textbooks are not reliable sources. (Any teacher who hasn't read "Lies My Teacher Told Me" should go find it right now...

So yeah, let's continue to teach generations straight from one textbook, filled with writer bias, as well as Proud to be an American biases, and have students not remember anything 5 years later, and be appalled when they finally learn that everything that was taught to them was just a hoax. That makes complete sense, because giving the kids time to research their own findings and then form their own opinions, is completely trashy.

So am I saddened? Yeah. Am I being practical, though? Hell yea. Because in a world where charter schools are so controversial, this degree would serve no purpose to me.

I guess I'll just stick with behavioral psych. Because there's nothing like going to work everyday and never knowing what type of heavy objects are going to come flying my way.

do i have to do everything myself?

Most days anymore, that's what I end up doing.

Sometimes I think if I didn't have people around me I'd try to jump from a building and fly. Not really, but I tend to think I'm a superhero. Superheroes can fly. It's a good excuse to wear a cape.

Not working as much gives me way too much time for self reflection.

Fuck yeah.

Lately I've been big on women rights and us sticking together. So here's another subject that relates-

Equality.

I've never been one of them girls who would not ask a guy out "because I'm a girl". Tradition states that it's the man's job to ask the woman out. But we don't live in the 1900s anymore. We're independent and we're awesome and if we like a guy we should have a right to go up to him and be all "hey i fucking like you, let's date and shit."

Right?!

Yet, I'm also a hypocrite. Cause courage? Courage does not come in liquid form unless you're Harry Potter. And if I knew Harry Potter I'd totally be having him hook me up with Ron and I wouldn't have any sort of guy dilemmas ever again because we would be married and building our own Burrow with a million kids and dogs.

I dream big.

This has always been my mantra and always will be. I will never come down from the clouds and I will never be normal. I need someone who is okay with that and who's willing to fly alongside me, not try to rope me and bring me down to earth. Or maybe, that's exactly what I need. Gravity, stay the hell away from me. Unless you're grounding me to a life better than what I'm flying from.

So what happens when you find it in the form of someone who basically will never suck it up and ask you out, even if he does like you? Do you sit idly by and wait for some other bird to come and swoop him up? Do you say something and look ridiculous if he actually doesn't feel the same way? What's worse? Losing someone you love because they don't love you back in the now, or losing someone you love down the road because you never bothered to ask and someone else did?

Sometimes I'm not so sure.

Unbreakable

Nobody can have it all together all the time, right?

Well I guess some people can. With perfect conditions and circumstances.

Those people suck.

Tonight, on my journey home, I made some revelations about myself and my life up until this point.

One, I'm a big fat liar. I never knew what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing because there were so many things I wanted to devote my life to. But that's not acceptable. You're supposed to go to college and pick a major and then find a career dealing with that major and do that until you're 65 and then retire with your 401k to a nice village in florida or california and reflect upon how much good you've done. This is bullshit. There are people making more money that I am without even a high school education. I'm not programmed to do one thing for the rest of my life. What if I want to spend my mornings working in my bakery and then go and work at a day care in the afternoon and spend my evenings teaching yoga and kick boxing classes? How do I do that? With college loans and debt and car payments. With this awesome degree I worked so hard for. This is why I made the decision to not continue grad school. It's paid for, sans loans, so I'm no worse in debt.

Two, people just suck. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without people in my life. They leave and lie and move on with their lives and there's nothing you can really do. You can't control others. What's the point in trying to keep someone in your life who doesn't make equal effort? There's maybe one person I become distraught over the thought of losing, which is another revelation I made tonight. That can't be good. Apparently I've gone from forming entirely too close attachments with people to not being able to form any. My psych senses are tingling.

Three, sometimes you just need to get away. This is what I'm striving for this summer. I need to get away.

Four, it's okay to fall apart sometimes. Life is hard. People place so many demands on us everyday. We may be unbreakable but we're not bulletproof.

Five, I'm psychotic. And not just because I can't end lists on even numbers.

Size is just a number.

This is just a perfect quote for something that I wanna address tonight. I usually don't do topics, but this is something that I feel super passionate about and something that I've recently been getting more involved in.

Women and their weight.

I do, but apparently not too many people do, women especially.

I struggled with weight my entire life and I still do to this day. I was a "fat kid" and sometime around mid high school I got sick of it and started walking. Thats it. And I dropped a ton of weight. I felt better, I looked better. College rolled around and I gained some back, but I hit the gym up and was soon even thinner than before. Then I graduated and it kind of all went downhill, though.

I will preface this by saying that I am not saying that I'm fat. I could afford to lose some weight, gain some muscle, get into better shape. But all in all, I'm fine with the way I look weight wise. We all have our days when something doesn't fit right or we look in the mirror and groan but seriously, WHO DOESN'T? Some of the "thinnest" people I know look at themselves in the mirror and see a "fat" version of themselves. 

What pisses me off is that women feel the need to be skinny. They're going to any extremes to not see any fat rolls, not have any curves. Anorexia, diet pills, excessive exercise, sometimes all combined. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that? What are we teaching our younger generation of women? That they're only going to be loved if they're a size zero and can see their bones through their skin? I've been there. I've also gotten over that.

It's like, when you accept the fact that you're going to have curves, that you're never going to be a size 2, 4, or even 6, that a weight itself just lifts from you. Size is just a number. I've realized this recently.

Weight is just a number, too. It can't measure how you feel about yourself. It can't measure how healthy and fit you are. It can't tell you how much muscle you have. 

The Biggest Loser is challenging America to get fit and I couldn't agree more with that. We do need to get fit. There are people with food addictions and people who fall under this 'obese' category who need to lose weight to save their lives. But that's not EVERYONE. That's not middle school kids skipping lunch. 

We need to support each other, as women. Taylor Swift said something like "there's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." She completely takes that to way too high standards but this is definitely something in which that applies. I think it's sickening to see women making comments on other women's pictures about their weight. I think it's appalling when women post before and after pictures of their weight loss transformation and women are commenting 'wow you're so beautiful!' NO. NO NO NO. She was beautiful before. She's beautiful now. But now? She's healthier, she's more confident, she has less of a risk for heart disease. But beauty? That's ALWAYS been there.

There's so much wrong with how women treat other women and how women perceive the models and celebrities they admire. And this scares me for the future. For my future daughter, what kind of world is she going to live in? What if she has the same weight issues I did? Will she get picked on like I did? I'd fight anyone to death who'd say anything negative to her, and she's not even real yet. 

Sigh. SO yeah, I think we need to challenge America. To change their mindset. To take down all those pictures of models who have absolutely no figure. To start exercising and to start eating healthy because they want to take care of their body and mind, they want to be able to chase after their kids without getting out of breath or take the stairs without issues. Not because they want a number on a scale to tell them they're beautiful. In case no one's told you lately-- you're already beautiful.

My thoughts while driving.

Um, did I just hit something?

Damn potholes.

It's called a turn signal... they're pretty easy to use.

SERIOUSLY, turn your high beams off!

I'm blinded by the light *singing*

I swear I just saw a ghost...

Yep, that's a ghost. I'm gonna die.

The ghost is gonna kill me.

I didn't check the back seat before I got into the car...

Aren't you supposed to do that and check for murderers?

or zombies or something?

I could so take a zombie.

Or pretend to be one.

La de da.

CAT! I want it.

Did I eat dinner?

Ooh, a gummy bear.

Wheres my coffee?

Why didn't I change this cd before I started driving?

This cd is really annoying.

*starts singing a long*

ugh.... winter.

it's dark... are my high beams on?

Is that a cop? No? Okay.

That was a cop...

I wasn't speeding? Cool.

The stars are really pretty tonight.

I wish I could pull over and look at them.

The murderer in my back seat would probably attack me then.

Red lights are stupid. Especially when in a row.

I'm going TEN MPH ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT. Get off my ass!!

Why are you going so slowwww?

Pass me, asshole. I'll slow down until you do.

Mwahahahaha. I hate driving.

Omg I love driving. Wheeeee. No hands.

Okay, I should have hands on the wheel.

Is that a cow? MOOOO.

Am I there yet?

Half way there... living on a prayerrrrrr.

This high way blows. Trucks, you suck.

Can I have a chauffeur? Or a magic carpet?

Or a time machine?

Why did I ever learn to drive?

I never learned to ride a bike....

Why didn't I move somewhere I don't need a car?

I still can....

Omg I'm home.





My head is a scary place.

I can't fake the daytime.

there's not enough time in most days. then there are the days that drag on forever. today was one of those days.

I decided I needed new clothes so I went shopping. i'm awesome at conserving money any more. but seriously, I had $5 in my bank account consistently for the past however many months and I saw a balance with more than two digits and decided to celebrate.

Old navy used to be my best friend so I searched there. I found an awesome denim shirt dress, a super comfortable shirt and a boyfriend sweater. I think that's what it's called. I figured I don't have a boyfriend to steal a sweater from so I may as well suck it up and buy one. And guess what? it's super warm, super cute, and light weight. Boys know what's up in the sweater department.

So then I needed belts, obviously. Apparently rue had some sort of clearance secret sale because what I tallied to be a $15 sale came out to be $4. Yeah, I was pretty stoked. I resisted temptation in the deb and didn't spend $90 for the three shirts I fell in love with. That's progress, me thinks.

Life has been weird. Mother nature hates me. My jobs hate me. I'm pretty sure I'm this close to failing out of grad school for lack of participation. And lack of teaching skills. I'm in the process of transferring to a school closer to home. I figure it's win-win. And Bloomsburg is just... bipolar and cold and lacking any logistics in it's education program so i'm peacing out of there. If Alvernia does not accept me, however, thennnn yeah, I'm dropping out and calling it a day. I'm so consistent.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and decide I wanna be a botanist. That sounds fun. Who knows. I knew this about myself a long time ago and I should have realized it wasn't going to go away just because I grew up and blew away.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that I'm really good at getting people to ignore me. I'm not that person who just sits idly by and shuts up when you're being stupid. sorry. And don't ask me my opinion if you're just going to ignore me when I give it to you. I really... don't know. It's like, ten steps forward, fifty steps back.

I'm dealing so well with life these days, obviously. I'm not quite sure there's a Xanax dose large enough to calm me down half the time. And I hate doctors so I refuse to go soooo i'm left to my own devices of dancing around parking lots and calming myself down in less than healthy ways.

This is why I enjoy the night. It masks everything. I go outside and can't see a damn thing, I can't see the world, and I'm okay with that. The world is a scary place. The night can be scary too. Things seem bigger and badder and way more complicated masked by the night. But the night has the stars and they may be the most magical thing that I have ever seen. Daytime is convenient, but who wants to settle for convenient?

This is not a love story.

Sometimes I feel as if my life is an alternate version of 500 days of summer.

This hits way too close to home. 

I feel like people take ten steps forward and then fifty back and you just end up heart broken or confused or lonely or just a clusterfuck of emotions that you can't decipher. That's where I'm at. 

Why can't people just... Be simple? Why can't feelings not be messy? Clean cut sandwiches instead of hot wings for dinner. I guess that would be boring. Whatever. 

If I've learned anything in life it's that once you stop trying, what's the point? Something inside shuts off and you just can't care anymore, at least not in the moment. Each moment is fleeting, so hey, that may change, but in the now? Trying is tiresome and I don't sleep enough for this bullshit. 

People are just stupid. Sometimes I wonder what life is like in other places. I wonder what the people are like and if they're friendly, if they keep their promises, if they make an effort. Or if they're just the same untrustworthy selfish losers I know the human race to be. No offense, people. But humanity as a whole kinda blows. 

Maybe I'll just leave this place. Maybe it'll be better. I can start over as my own best friend.

I told myself I'd be more positive this year. Maybe this is a start.

Road rage

First, I should say that I am, by no means, the best driver in the world. In fact, I suck, mostly at night, at getting myself from point A to B without panicking. But there are certain things that are just common sense...

1. If I can't see your headlights in my mirror you are toooooo close. Seriously, how hard is it to brake before you're on my bumper? Also, if you see me moving up because this occurs, don't freaking move up more so you're just as close, douches.

2) If you're turning... just put your turn signal on. It's not that hard. Also, if you're turning... five turns from now, don't put your turn signal on and pass all the turns and expect me to read your mind and brake quickly enough to not have to swerve around your dumb ass.

3) You can't be blind... so you obviously see me and my huge gold car coming towards you... with no traffic behind me, so why the hell do you need to pull out in front of me? Oh, you're on your cell phone and trying to apply makeup. Okay, makes sense.

4) It's raining and it's foggy and yeah, I'm going below the speed limit. See that lane right to the left of me? Oh, that's the passing lane. Completely empty. Use it. 

5) I get that it's day time and you don't feel the need to use your headlights, that used to be me, but seriously? It's winter, the sun is not out and it's randomly foggy... your headlights might not make much of a difference to you (or maybe if you tried them they would...) but it certainly makes me be able to spot your speeding ass in a quickly manner so i can avoid you.

That's just the start of it... maybe I need to hire a chauffeur.

So yeah, I dropped my Tuesday night class and this week, the first week, I had to skip class tonight because I freak out when I reached a curvy stretch of road, covered in snow, and fog so thick I couldn't see. So hopefully my professor is awesome enough to not hold it against me, because I think I'm more valuable to the class alive than if I'd end up in a ditch somewhere. Cause honestly, I just didn't see myself in class tonight. For whatever reason. But I still attempted to go... so if I wouldn't have turned around, and my vision of not getting there came true, who knows where I would have ended up. I'm paranoid, I know.

You love my psychosis...

You tell me I'm a wreck...

I definitely bit off more than I can chew this time. 70 hour work weeks? Bring it. Three jobs? Lets go. But commuting to and from school, three times a week, an hr each way, in the dark? It's my kryptonite apparently. I spent an hr and a half on a high way, in the fog and pouring rain screaming obscenities at trucks and having panic attacks tonight.

I've always been really open about my anxiety. Usually I can handle it. Deep breathing, secluding myself, positive thinking, rocking, whatever it takes to calm myself down. Those choices are limited when you're driving and absolutely certain you're about to die. It takes something away from you. All rational thought goes out the window and bam, you're gone. You can't breathe and can't feel your legs and you see things that aren't there or aren't what they seem. It's scary. Maybe I should be on something for it but up until this point I've been okay with it. Now that may change.

So yeah, I'm dropping a class. I'm waiting to hear back from my advisor about which class she thinks I should drop, but I made it pretty clear which one i wanted to drop, tomorrows.... Cause I can't drive there and back one more time this week. I'm certain it will kill me, and that's rational Megan talking on that one. I guess I just inherited a book for a class that I may never use. But bright side is I'm doing it early enough that ill get the money back for it.

One of my professors told us that she gets we wanna finish school but our goal isn't to finish... It's to learn, no matter how long that may take us. And I guess I need t be okay with the fact that I may not be done in two years.

So for now here's to not rushing things, to asshole drivers who obviously don't know what the passing lane is for, and to mental health awareness. Maybe ill post something more philosophical and mindful tomorrow. Right now I need to crash before I down the case of twisted tea I have sitting in my room and don't wake up for work tomorrow.

oh look, you made the tree sad.

Seuss knew what was up.

Do you know what would be grand? If everyone just said what they were feeling. No mixed signals, no cryptic messages, no hoping the other person gained mind-reading skills over night. Straightforwardness. Myself included in this, as I am a guilty party as well.

Sometimes it's really hard, I know. 

But wouldn't it be lovely to go up to someone and say "hey, you're a douche-ass-hat, and you need to leave me alone now."? 

Or "Hi, I like you, let's get married and stuff?"

There are a million examples of things you could just... say. If you felt them.

Granted, it may not always be appropriate and it may not always be kind, but that's life. If everyone adopted this attitude of saying what they felt, and nobody took offense, life would be awesome. That's never going to happen. People would be mean about it, take it the wrong way, and blow things totally out of proportion.

That's not going to stop me, half the time, from speaking my mind though. When people piss me off, I tell them. If you're standing in front of me, I'll tell you to leave because your face makes me wanna punch a tree or something, and seriously, the tree did nothing to deserve that. 

Sigh. I don't know. It also makes me sad thinking about how much things change. You know, how one second you're bffs and the next it's like you don't even know each other. It's like life swoops in and just, in a moment, nothing you knew to be true is true anymore. 

I know I'm majorly at fault for bipolar friendships because my moods swing like a hammock in a tornado but sometimes, even I know it isn't me. Maybe it's not the other person entirely, either. But it's definitely not me. I can handle being the one to end things, the one at fault, cause at least then I'm in control (yep, control issues, this girl right here), and I can take the blame. 

I think this stemmed from the face that it's best friends day or something like that, as my friends on instagram so kindly informed me.  I wish life let me have one best friend, or one set of close friends. That would be easy? I mean, I'm so so so lucky to have the awesome people in my life. Three of whom I've know since 1st, 5th, and 6th grade. We be tight, yo. And we have that bond that I know we can go light-years without seeing each other then pick right back up. But the other ones, I speak of. The people who come and go and come again and they make my head wanna spin off into the universe and never return. 

Consistency is something I've always kinda craved but never really had with my life. I think that's why I form attachments to people and have such a hard time letting go. Guys especially. Some romantic, others not. Actually, mostly not. At the romantic end I kinda just throw that out to see and watch it burn with some popcorn anymore... I'm not heartless, I've just been there so many times that it gets easier. Except for one. But that's another story for another time, kids. cue ted mosby like music. 

Ahem, but yeah, guy friends seem to just waltz out. Especially the moment they find a significant other. Which i get. I do. Who wants to date a guy who's best friends with a girl, right ladies? It sucks, but jealousy runs in girls veins like glitter. Even the chillest girls on the outside have it in them. I'm sure after a while it would get to me too if I have came across that situation which I really haven't yet. So it's only natural that my guy bffs go off and find females and ditch me. Whatevs. But seriously, don't get mad at me when I'm the one to ditch you first before you can ditch me (hello, control pops up again). I'm going to distance myself.  If I genuinely care about you I'm going to want you to have a healthy and satisfying relationship and I wont do anything to jeopardize it. Again, it sucks. But I'm caring like that. It's when I don't leave, and I become close to the bitch it's that you should worry. Cause it probably means I secretly hate your guts.

Justtttttt kidding. Or am I? 

all children, except one, grow up.

If I've ever found truth in this, it's now.

Today, I started my graduate career. I sat in a room with about 20-25 other graduate students, either just starting or who recently started and we did an ice breaker and had a discussion on cultural diversity and took a pre-teacher test.

As I sat there a girl who sat next to me (she got a musical theater under grad degree...) asked me a million questions. Like, what courses am I signed up for and who the professors are, and about my life history. I honestly had no idea how to answer half of her questions. I could tell her that I graduated from Millersville with a psychology degree and that it's my first semester there. Yet I had no clue what classes I was signed up for or who was teaching them. I so wasn't prepared. Not to mention I don't do well with questions about myself, especially in a group setting. I can break out in song lyrics and I can recite poetic quotes but when it comes to myself, I haven't a clue. I adopted this go with the flow attitude so long ago and I guess that ends the second you sign up for graduate school. Suddenly they have me filling out questionnaires and needing to write a life action plan with goals and ways of achieving them and a time table for each goal. I don't know what I'm planning on doing two days from now, how the hell am I supposed to write out a plan for two years from now?

I guess I need to wing it, though. I guess I need to finally think about these things. I can't succeed in grad school without a plan, apparently. I thought applying was a huge step, apparently that's nothing. I need to figure out where this is going.

This resulted in my reading the course syllabus for each class and having mini panic attacks thinking about the course load I'm taking on. Lesson plans and book club discussions, and hosting a math event at a local elementary school... It sounds like so much, you know? On top of working two jobs. How this has anything to do with wanting to teach in an autistic support classroom is beyond me. I guess... I'll figure it out though. My books are bought. There's no going back now.

Even if I want to run screaming, as far as possible. Cause I told myself at the start of this year I'd face my fears. I guess I'm going to get to face group work and public speaking all this semester.

When did I grow up?

rainbow bright snuggies are so not lame.

Winter has finally arrived in northeast pa. Our highs haven't been getting out of the teens and everyone is freezing. I spent an hour outside last night, when the low was 9 degrees, talking about ghosts... I may be crazy. But we definitely heard a ghost banging on the doors and it just wasn't safe to re enter the building or for me to get into my car. Who knows what those ghosts may have done. 

My job is getting crazier by the day. Corporate asshats seem to think they can show up whenever they want and change everything... I guess they technically can, you know, being corporate and all. But it still sucks. For I have to watch my back at all times and that's super hard when you're in a kiosk right smack dab in the middle of the mall. They come at ya from all directions.

My hormones seems to be at an all time high. I've been crying over everything. My hair, the cold, little kids yelling at me, my dog barking, nonsensical things, sensical things like the future. I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm just hoping it passes by next week when school starts because I really don't want to walk into classes with puffy eyes and a hoarse voice. That's a fabulous first impression. 

I've been going through pictures on my computer and I've come to determine that I used to have a floor in my bedroom. That's going to be my goal for tomorrow, I guess. I have all morning and afternoon... so i introduce operation locate megan's floor.... this may result in me not having a bed when I get sick of cleaning and just throw everything on a pile on top of my bed. We shall see. 

I guess there just hasn't been much going on lately. I've been catching up on tv shows... My top list you ask?

1) Pretty Little Liars, biiiiiiiig things are happening!

2) Parks and Recreation, I have a crush on Aziz Ansari... shhhhh...

3) New girl, who doesn't love zooey?

4) Bunheads, cause it's so much like gilmore girls, except completely different.

5) Hart of Dixie, cause I've always wanted to be a southern belle.

I have a life, I swear. It's just... cold outside, you know. And people are stupid.

why that escalated quickly.

My night... in photo form...

it started with this text message...

then escalated into this fancy glass...

bill meets god... or an orb... but he may not have been listening because he was busy eavesdropping on a business meeting...

bill tried to rob russ... and try to get him to drink beer... and find out if he's gay. okay, i added that last part.

we have more entertaining business meetings than guys in polo shirts. our serious business faces. but we moved, so we're business ghosts.

I need more nights out with humans... I'll leave you to ponder on that.