back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how to deal with the despair of someone breaking your heart.

there are some things that school just does not prepare you for.

like: broken hearts, student loan payments, and the fact that you may just not be cut out for one career.

i'm pretty sure a UFO just went by my house... anyways...

we're drilled to pick a major to help us get a career we're going to have forever.

but what happens when we aren't awesome at one thing but merely great at many things?

i can make a cake a masterpiece, i have the eye for photography, i'm awesome at retail, apparently. i'd love to have my own business. i work well with children. i can relate, since i never grew up.

so maybe, just maybe, what i need are several jobs that each fulfill a different aspect of my interests. maybe i'm not typical. maybe i wont ever hold a 9-5 job with a desk or office.

i think i've blogged about this before. but i mean it. i'm going after subbing. first as an aid, eventually as a teacher. I wanna dabble in many things. this opens up my time for still staying at pagoda and also pursuing other dreams.

life is just weird like that.

it's funny what you can come up with when it's 1am, you're exhausted, and your brain won't shut off. there is entirely too much going on right now for my brain to be able to comprehend. but i'm hoping it works out for me in the end.

happy birthday to me.

How many times can you be shot down before enough is enough?
How many times can something intervene in the universe before you throw in the towel?
When do you finally crack down and realize you are an awesome human being and you deserve more?

I'll answer these for you. You crack down when you find yourself spending a full day in a state of extreme terror over your life decisions up until this point. And you just give up when you realize no matter how many times you try, you always end up back at square one.

I've spent so long chasing after something and someone that I became blindsided on the way. Like you look back and realize 5+ years of your life has gone by and you're in exactly the same location, running in the same circles, but you get so far out of the circle and then a wormhole appears and sends you right back to the beginning of the circle and then you start running again.

Yet, when you make the conscious decision to do something about it, like, you're going to finally have that  conversation and every fucking time you try, something steps in the way. So what next? Do you keep running or do you stop and stand there like an idiot? This week, I stopped running. I stopped running and started digging. Because did I forget to mention the million foot wall around the circle? A wall of memories and good times that keep you running. They never go away. So, I have to dig my way out. And the dirt i'm digging is filled with the bad memories and i need to keep digging through it to get out. But the dirt is... heavy. and it weighs heavy on my heart and i have to keep stopping to compose myself. But i need to keep digging because i can not do this anymore.

What sucks the most though is that once i'm out, once i find my way out of this arena, i have to start over. I always had this idea in the back of my head that, in the end, this was who i was going to end up with. so i didn't need to try, i didnt need to meet people. but now? if i don't try, if i don't start over, i'm going to be alone forever. and that, my friends, is where my head is at.

happy 24th (and 5 days) to me.

My thoughts while driving.

Um, did I just hit something?

Damn potholes.

It's called a turn signal... they're pretty easy to use.

SERIOUSLY, turn your high beams off!

I'm blinded by the light *singing*

I swear I just saw a ghost...

Yep, that's a ghost. I'm gonna die.

The ghost is gonna kill me.

I didn't check the back seat before I got into the car...

Aren't you supposed to do that and check for murderers?

or zombies or something?

I could so take a zombie.

Or pretend to be one.

La de da.

CAT! I want it.

Did I eat dinner?

Ooh, a gummy bear.

Wheres my coffee?

Why didn't I change this cd before I started driving?

This cd is really annoying.

*starts singing a long*

ugh.... winter.

it's dark... are my high beams on?

Is that a cop? No? Okay.

That was a cop...

I wasn't speeding? Cool.

The stars are really pretty tonight.

I wish I could pull over and look at them.

The murderer in my back seat would probably attack me then.

Red lights are stupid. Especially when in a row.

I'm going TEN MPH ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT. Get off my ass!!

Why are you going so slowwww?

Pass me, asshole. I'll slow down until you do.

Mwahahahaha. I hate driving.

Omg I love driving. Wheeeee. No hands.

Okay, I should have hands on the wheel.

Is that a cow? MOOOO.

Am I there yet?

Half way there... living on a prayerrrrrr.

This high way blows. Trucks, you suck.

Can I have a chauffeur? Or a magic carpet?

Or a time machine?

Why did I ever learn to drive?

I never learned to ride a bike....

Why didn't I move somewhere I don't need a car?

I still can....

Omg I'm home.





My head is a scary place.

You tell me I'm a wreck...

I definitely bit off more than I can chew this time. 70 hour work weeks? Bring it. Three jobs? Lets go. But commuting to and from school, three times a week, an hr each way, in the dark? It's my kryptonite apparently. I spent an hr and a half on a high way, in the fog and pouring rain screaming obscenities at trucks and having panic attacks tonight.

I've always been really open about my anxiety. Usually I can handle it. Deep breathing, secluding myself, positive thinking, rocking, whatever it takes to calm myself down. Those choices are limited when you're driving and absolutely certain you're about to die. It takes something away from you. All rational thought goes out the window and bam, you're gone. You can't breathe and can't feel your legs and you see things that aren't there or aren't what they seem. It's scary. Maybe I should be on something for it but up until this point I've been okay with it. Now that may change.

So yeah, I'm dropping a class. I'm waiting to hear back from my advisor about which class she thinks I should drop, but I made it pretty clear which one i wanted to drop, tomorrows.... Cause I can't drive there and back one more time this week. I'm certain it will kill me, and that's rational Megan talking on that one. I guess I just inherited a book for a class that I may never use. But bright side is I'm doing it early enough that ill get the money back for it.

One of my professors told us that she gets we wanna finish school but our goal isn't to finish... It's to learn, no matter how long that may take us. And I guess I need t be okay with the fact that I may not be done in two years.

So for now here's to not rushing things, to asshole drivers who obviously don't know what the passing lane is for, and to mental health awareness. Maybe ill post something more philosophical and mindful tomorrow. Right now I need to crash before I down the case of twisted tea I have sitting in my room and don't wake up for work tomorrow.

The title of this blog post has nothing to do with the actual content of this post.

I start school in six days. I'm incredible excited and nervous and petrified all at once. A plethora of emotions scatter through me as I think about what this means; another two plus years of my life spoken for, a chance at a better job, a job I like more. More debt. Uncertainty. Who knows what's going to happen next.

I remember a lot of my "first" days of school. My first day at undergrad I was a hot mess. I moved away for the first time ever and lived with people my own age, away from my parents. As little as I wanted to admit it, I was scared. I had major separation anxiety (still do...) and I hated people my own age, and my roommate was a psychopath who couldn't sleep if there was any noise or lights or what have you and I'm the complete opposite. That got itself worked out when she moved and I got an alcohol roommate who I became friends with to only later realize she was a klepto. Oh the roommate stories... like the one who listened to the milk shake song on repeat. Anyways...

I remember my first day of high school. High school I actually enjoyed. I got to spend time with my friends and learn stuff and still be home by 3. It was kind of nice.

Middle school I'm pretty sure is repressed in there somewhere. And Elementary school... well, my first day of kindergarten was interesting...

My anxiety played a major role in each of my first days of school. It was a sad circumstance in a time when no one really knew the role anxiety could play in kids so I wasn't medicated like I should have been (this stems to even now when I'm too afraid to self medicate myself... if only someone else would have made that decision for me...). But this is different because I'm not anxious in that bad twitchy way, I'm nervous in a, this is the start of something new and a completely natural response, kind of way.

I don't know where this is going to lead, if i'm even going to finish, if it'll amount to a new job I love. The uncertainty is... intense. I have no idea where I'm going with this....

But  I can say that I'm ready to learn. I just hope my professors aren't douche bags and I can get away with not studying like I did in all my psych classes. But it's teaching, right? I should be a pro at that by now...