Unbreakable

Nobody can have it all together all the time, right?

Well I guess some people can. With perfect conditions and circumstances.

Those people suck.

Tonight, on my journey home, I made some revelations about myself and my life up until this point.

One, I'm a big fat liar. I never knew what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing because there were so many things I wanted to devote my life to. But that's not acceptable. You're supposed to go to college and pick a major and then find a career dealing with that major and do that until you're 65 and then retire with your 401k to a nice village in florida or california and reflect upon how much good you've done. This is bullshit. There are people making more money that I am without even a high school education. I'm not programmed to do one thing for the rest of my life. What if I want to spend my mornings working in my bakery and then go and work at a day care in the afternoon and spend my evenings teaching yoga and kick boxing classes? How do I do that? With college loans and debt and car payments. With this awesome degree I worked so hard for. This is why I made the decision to not continue grad school. It's paid for, sans loans, so I'm no worse in debt.

Two, people just suck. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without people in my life. They leave and lie and move on with their lives and there's nothing you can really do. You can't control others. What's the point in trying to keep someone in your life who doesn't make equal effort? There's maybe one person I become distraught over the thought of losing, which is another revelation I made tonight. That can't be good. Apparently I've gone from forming entirely too close attachments with people to not being able to form any. My psych senses are tingling.

Three, sometimes you just need to get away. This is what I'm striving for this summer. I need to get away.

Four, it's okay to fall apart sometimes. Life is hard. People place so many demands on us everyday. We may be unbreakable but we're not bulletproof.

Five, I'm psychotic. And not just because I can't end lists on even numbers.

My thoughts while driving.

Um, did I just hit something?

Damn potholes.

It's called a turn signal... they're pretty easy to use.

SERIOUSLY, turn your high beams off!

I'm blinded by the light *singing*

I swear I just saw a ghost...

Yep, that's a ghost. I'm gonna die.

The ghost is gonna kill me.

I didn't check the back seat before I got into the car...

Aren't you supposed to do that and check for murderers?

or zombies or something?

I could so take a zombie.

Or pretend to be one.

La de da.

CAT! I want it.

Did I eat dinner?

Ooh, a gummy bear.

Wheres my coffee?

Why didn't I change this cd before I started driving?

This cd is really annoying.

*starts singing a long*

ugh.... winter.

it's dark... are my high beams on?

Is that a cop? No? Okay.

That was a cop...

I wasn't speeding? Cool.

The stars are really pretty tonight.

I wish I could pull over and look at them.

The murderer in my back seat would probably attack me then.

Red lights are stupid. Especially when in a row.

I'm going TEN MPH ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT. Get off my ass!!

Why are you going so slowwww?

Pass me, asshole. I'll slow down until you do.

Mwahahahaha. I hate driving.

Omg I love driving. Wheeeee. No hands.

Okay, I should have hands on the wheel.

Is that a cow? MOOOO.

Am I there yet?

Half way there... living on a prayerrrrrr.

This high way blows. Trucks, you suck.

Can I have a chauffeur? Or a magic carpet?

Or a time machine?

Why did I ever learn to drive?

I never learned to ride a bike....

Why didn't I move somewhere I don't need a car?

I still can....

Omg I'm home.





My head is a scary place.

Road rage

First, I should say that I am, by no means, the best driver in the world. In fact, I suck, mostly at night, at getting myself from point A to B without panicking. But there are certain things that are just common sense...

1. If I can't see your headlights in my mirror you are toooooo close. Seriously, how hard is it to brake before you're on my bumper? Also, if you see me moving up because this occurs, don't freaking move up more so you're just as close, douches.

2) If you're turning... just put your turn signal on. It's not that hard. Also, if you're turning... five turns from now, don't put your turn signal on and pass all the turns and expect me to read your mind and brake quickly enough to not have to swerve around your dumb ass.

3) You can't be blind... so you obviously see me and my huge gold car coming towards you... with no traffic behind me, so why the hell do you need to pull out in front of me? Oh, you're on your cell phone and trying to apply makeup. Okay, makes sense.

4) It's raining and it's foggy and yeah, I'm going below the speed limit. See that lane right to the left of me? Oh, that's the passing lane. Completely empty. Use it. 

5) I get that it's day time and you don't feel the need to use your headlights, that used to be me, but seriously? It's winter, the sun is not out and it's randomly foggy... your headlights might not make much of a difference to you (or maybe if you tried them they would...) but it certainly makes me be able to spot your speeding ass in a quickly manner so i can avoid you.

That's just the start of it... maybe I need to hire a chauffeur.

So yeah, I dropped my Tuesday night class and this week, the first week, I had to skip class tonight because I freak out when I reached a curvy stretch of road, covered in snow, and fog so thick I couldn't see. So hopefully my professor is awesome enough to not hold it against me, because I think I'm more valuable to the class alive than if I'd end up in a ditch somewhere. Cause honestly, I just didn't see myself in class tonight. For whatever reason. But I still attempted to go... so if I wouldn't have turned around, and my vision of not getting there came true, who knows where I would have ended up. I'm paranoid, I know.

You love my psychosis...

rainbow bright snuggies are so not lame.

Winter has finally arrived in northeast pa. Our highs haven't been getting out of the teens and everyone is freezing. I spent an hour outside last night, when the low was 9 degrees, talking about ghosts... I may be crazy. But we definitely heard a ghost banging on the doors and it just wasn't safe to re enter the building or for me to get into my car. Who knows what those ghosts may have done. 

My job is getting crazier by the day. Corporate asshats seem to think they can show up whenever they want and change everything... I guess they technically can, you know, being corporate and all. But it still sucks. For I have to watch my back at all times and that's super hard when you're in a kiosk right smack dab in the middle of the mall. They come at ya from all directions.

My hormones seems to be at an all time high. I've been crying over everything. My hair, the cold, little kids yelling at me, my dog barking, nonsensical things, sensical things like the future. I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm just hoping it passes by next week when school starts because I really don't want to walk into classes with puffy eyes and a hoarse voice. That's a fabulous first impression. 

I've been going through pictures on my computer and I've come to determine that I used to have a floor in my bedroom. That's going to be my goal for tomorrow, I guess. I have all morning and afternoon... so i introduce operation locate megan's floor.... this may result in me not having a bed when I get sick of cleaning and just throw everything on a pile on top of my bed. We shall see. 

I guess there just hasn't been much going on lately. I've been catching up on tv shows... My top list you ask?

1) Pretty Little Liars, biiiiiiiig things are happening!

2) Parks and Recreation, I have a crush on Aziz Ansari... shhhhh...

3) New girl, who doesn't love zooey?

4) Bunheads, cause it's so much like gilmore girls, except completely different.

5) Hart of Dixie, cause I've always wanted to be a southern belle.

I have a life, I swear. It's just... cold outside, you know. And people are stupid.

what this queen is grateful for :)

1) Coffee. Sometimes I seriously don't think I'd make it through the day without it.

2) My health. I know I'm sick 97.25% of the time, but in the grand scheme of things it's nothing i wont overcome and heal from. There are so many people out there with things they can't come back from. I need to remind myself of this more often.

3) My dog, who just came up to me, stood on my knee with a bone in his mouth, stared at me, and pounced away to eat said bone. He may drive me crazy but he contributes a source of happiness I never thought he would when I first laid eyes on him.

4) Having a source of income. I may take a lot of shit from all of my jobs, but I have to be thankful that i'm making money, despite how minimal. It's sad that money is so important in life, but it really is, and without it i'd be pretty much screwed.

5) My car. It gets me from point A to B and every adventure in between. Without it I'd be stuck and we all know how I feel about being stuck. If I feel like I don't have a way out, a way to just run far far away, I panic. It's fun.

6) A family who lets me stay under their roof while I get back on my feet and figure out which direction I wanna sail in life.

7) My fabulous friends. Who, without, I'd probably be a sad sad human being. You guys are my rocks when my life is mush. You're my part-time gravity when my head gets too up in the clouds, and my part-time anti-gravity when I can't seem to get up off the ground.

8) All of my negative life experiences. They've given be valuable lessons I never would have learned otherwise.

9) Netflix. Thanks for keeping me company on all those long lonely nights, and days when I've been stuck in bed. Ps- update your shows more quickly.

10) I can't really think of a tenth thing, but lists should be in 10s right?

Me.

I'm never going to "fit in" and I don't want to.

I laugh at everything. Sometimes it's a defense mechanism, other times I genuinely find you funny.

I'm always going to run over that curb when turning onto my street... or any other curb i come across. I cannot judge distances.

There's always gonna be a part of me that's self conscious. Maybe it's a girl thing, maybe it's a me thing.

I will always drink too much coffee. And I'll always crave the things that are worst for me.

There's a good chance I'm always going to choose sweatpants and a book over going out on a friday night. Maybe I should... but for now I'm content.

I'll never be "good" at meeting new people. I'm too socially awkward.

I've never been good in groups. One or two people, that's my limit. Unless you wanna see me clam.

I will never stop learning. Or striving.

Sometimes my head gets lost in the clouds and I need something to bring me down... gravity.

Sometimes my dreams are too big and my plans are too wild and my heart is too open.

Other times I get lost, sad, and close myself behind locked doors and motes with dragons.

Sometimes I want someone to save me.

More often than not I'm saving myself.

My life is chaotic and stressful and I don't deal with it like I should.

But I'm doing the best I can and for right now? That's all I can do :)

Doctors and ghosts... Say whaaaa?

I've never been good at being sick. Ever. I'm a champ with pain as I've had my fair share of it but when it comes to being holed up in bed with a cough that leaves me exhausted and craving sleep after being up for three days... That I can't do. I'm always moving I'm always on the go. Things that slow me down are a pain in the ass.

It also means I break down and go to the doctor because seriously, not being able to breathe just isn't cool these days. Why do I hate the dr you ask?

1) it takes forever to get an appointment. They have you on hold for twenty minutes to finally get through to a receptionist who schedules you for thirty hours later (which for me means I'll no longer be sick, the way my life works...). You then show up for the appointment and they cart you from room to room for an hr before the dr finally sees you for five minutes.

2) the waiting room... Creeps and assholes. People who cough without covering their mouths and people who choose to sit right next to you when there's a whole waiting room at your disposal. They all find me.

3) They just have to weigh you. I pride myself in not getting on the scale and being happy with how I feel, not a number. But then they make me get on a crickety old scale and bam, my self esteem is shot again. Sigh.

On a side note while spending all day dying in bed yesterday I watched the entire first season of American horror story. I think I'm in love. I need to find asylum like ASAP. But I spent what time wasn't used up with trying not to choke on my own tongue screaming "SAY WHAAA???" At the the tv... Yeah I'm classy.

Now I'm off to try to make myself look like I have an energy level higher than 3.57. It's hard when your body is greedy and keeps screaming MOAR SLEEP!

At least I try to be stitched together with good intentions.

I would like to preface this post by saying that I in no way claim to be perfect. In fact, I've always been very open about my flaws and personalty quirks. I have hypocritical tendencies, but I'm working on them. Seriously.

I'm a broke grad student so naturally... I live with my parents. Not my ideal lifestyle but I have to do what I have to do. Besides, it's this or living in the little hobo shack on the railroad tracks behind the local KFC. What does this charming arrangement entail, you may ask?

1) Having anything I leave laying out for longer than 10 minutes (I'm not joking, either) either thrown into my room, thrown down into the basement or onto the deck. I once left a shirt in the basement on top of the dryer, sitting to let stain remover soak in (cause I'm all domestic and shit) and it disappeared within the hour.

2) If I leave anything in the kitchen (like say, a bottle I'm going to be all eco-friendly with and reuse for green tea on my travels to work the next day) it gets thrown away. Same goes for coffee cups, milk cartons, soup cans (I like to bake in them...), and cookie tins... Today I put meat out on the counter to thaw for dinner and left the house for an hour to get gas (big mistake) and I return to it put back in the freezer.

3) When I moved home I was forced to combine a small apartments worth of stuff with my already full bedroom because I'm no longer allowed to store stuff in the attic or basement (stipulation: UNLESS it's thrown there by my pissed off mother.) So I can no longer walk through my bedroom, or find anything, and I'm pretty sure a gaggle of orphaned children could be camping out amongst the wreckage and I'd have no damn idea.

4) I have a small little basket (it's like one of those fork utensil organizer baskets you find at a dollar store) worth of space in the bathroom to shove my make up, deodorant, perfume, moisturizer, straightener, any hair products, and blow dryer in. Anything that comes out of said basket gets thrown in either a) the under storage space (where I'm pretty sure stink bugs have made a nest) or, you may have guessed it, b) back into my room.

There's so much more, but that's the logistics for my stuff. Me as a person, could be a whole other post... It's such a emotionally and mentally rewarding lifestyle. I love playing hide and seek with my work pants on a regular basis, ya know?? But what can I say... I'll refer anyone who has anything to say about my appearance at work at 8 am  or when I have random anxiety attacks mid-day, to this post. I've discussed this all with my past shrinks, too. They seemed to think I have the situation under control.

On a completely different note, I've decided I need to be way more self sufficient so today I learned all about my car. I now know how to fill the oil, windshield wiper fluid, brake fluid, and power steering. And how to check all of them. Next I'm going to need someone to show me how to fix a flat tire. I know I learned in drivers ed in high school. But back then I didn't even have my license and therefore reasoned there not being a need to know such a dirty job. 23-year-old Megan would like to smack 16-year-old Megan across the face. Cause I'm sick of calling AAA every time I have a car problem. The guy in the big yellow tow truck and I have become quite close over the past few years.

I've also had some extremely odd dreams lately. Mostly they pertain to work but one in particular had all my Sims families come to life narrated by my friend Bill doing strange poses and such. It was almost like a Big Brother-esque feel and Bill was the Julie Chen of the Sims world... only not a woman and not Chinese.

Cheers to the freaking weekend...