let her go.

the flickering soothed her soul
drip, drip, drip swirled through her head as the wax melted
it was soundless, but her head was noisy enough.
another sleepless night, another candle wasted.

her spirit sank, her breathing heavy, what had she done?
his blank stare scarred her brain.
his head hung lower than her heavy heart.
this was the mess she had created.

two lives intertwined as one.
best friends, always and forever?
but how does one remain in a bond
when one knows the other one's heart is in a different place?

the recollection of his raised voice startled her all over again.
his veins popped, something she was accustomed to, but never towards her.
'okay' she whispered again and again, a broken record.
her cheeks wet, their friendship as flighty as a skipping track.

when do you set someone free?
toxicity flows through their bond.
tears flow too freely.
her heart reveals the truth she refused to acknowledge.

love sometimes means letting go.
when one person loves and the other is in love?
you have to cut the ties that bind.
scissors to the soul.

when the pain in the now will beat the pain in the long run,
when it takes everything in my power i will set you free.
the cliche plays through her mind as her eyes flutter;
this hurts me most.

back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how to deal with the despair of someone breaking your heart.

there are some things that school just does not prepare you for.

like: broken hearts, student loan payments, and the fact that you may just not be cut out for one career.

i'm pretty sure a UFO just went by my house... anyways...

we're drilled to pick a major to help us get a career we're going to have forever.

but what happens when we aren't awesome at one thing but merely great at many things?

i can make a cake a masterpiece, i have the eye for photography, i'm awesome at retail, apparently. i'd love to have my own business. i work well with children. i can relate, since i never grew up.

so maybe, just maybe, what i need are several jobs that each fulfill a different aspect of my interests. maybe i'm not typical. maybe i wont ever hold a 9-5 job with a desk or office.

i think i've blogged about this before. but i mean it. i'm going after subbing. first as an aid, eventually as a teacher. I wanna dabble in many things. this opens up my time for still staying at pagoda and also pursuing other dreams.

life is just weird like that.

it's funny what you can come up with when it's 1am, you're exhausted, and your brain won't shut off. there is entirely too much going on right now for my brain to be able to comprehend. but i'm hoping it works out for me in the end.

happy birthday to me.

How many times can you be shot down before enough is enough?
How many times can something intervene in the universe before you throw in the towel?
When do you finally crack down and realize you are an awesome human being and you deserve more?

I'll answer these for you. You crack down when you find yourself spending a full day in a state of extreme terror over your life decisions up until this point. And you just give up when you realize no matter how many times you try, you always end up back at square one.

I've spent so long chasing after something and someone that I became blindsided on the way. Like you look back and realize 5+ years of your life has gone by and you're in exactly the same location, running in the same circles, but you get so far out of the circle and then a wormhole appears and sends you right back to the beginning of the circle and then you start running again.

Yet, when you make the conscious decision to do something about it, like, you're going to finally have that  conversation and every fucking time you try, something steps in the way. So what next? Do you keep running or do you stop and stand there like an idiot? This week, I stopped running. I stopped running and started digging. Because did I forget to mention the million foot wall around the circle? A wall of memories and good times that keep you running. They never go away. So, I have to dig my way out. And the dirt i'm digging is filled with the bad memories and i need to keep digging through it to get out. But the dirt is... heavy. and it weighs heavy on my heart and i have to keep stopping to compose myself. But i need to keep digging because i can not do this anymore.

What sucks the most though is that once i'm out, once i find my way out of this arena, i have to start over. I always had this idea in the back of my head that, in the end, this was who i was going to end up with. so i didn't need to try, i didnt need to meet people. but now? if i don't try, if i don't start over, i'm going to be alone forever. and that, my friends, is where my head is at.

happy 24th (and 5 days) to me.

Time.

Sometimes life just moves excruciatingly fast. I'll think back to something that felt like 20 minutes ago and realize it's been 2 days. It's almost July, and June passed by as quickly as May and April. It's so weird. The days run together and moments become a blur and nights turn into days. Maybe it's just me? But this year is going by so fast.

I'm going to be 24. That's hard for me to handle. It's like... nothing happens at 24. Nobody writes songs about being 24. There's no perks or privileges with the age.

So while time is moving by at warp speed, I'm sort of just here... stuck.

Nothing is changing. But everything is changing at the same time.

My life is so different than it was a year ago. I'm a completely different person. I've lost a lot. I've gained a lot. I'm completely... new. I'm more psychotic but also more endearing. I've lost a lot of friends. But I realized who my true ones are. I've learned that not everyone is going to make an effort to stay in your life and that's okay... because some people just don't deserve a spot. Life might be lonelier with just a few friends but it's so much less stressful. I've learned you can't please everyone. You're not going to be there for every important moment in everyone you love's lives. You're going to miss stuff. You're going to have to work. Or reschedule. Or plan things 3 weeks in advance to see people you used to see everyday.

Sometimes I feel like i've completely lost my mind. I talk to myself. And inanimate objects. I still have stuffed animals everywhere. I'm way more forgetful. I'm way more moody. But I'm way more honest. For the most part. If you ask me a question I will be totally honest with you.

This year has just... flown by.

I guess that's the purpose of this post.

why i decided to delete my facebook... then make a hasty return.

Facebook gives me a headache. I'm not even joking. I've been back for 24 hours and already it wouldn't let me delete half my "friends" without trying to get me to add more, it wants me to add my phone number (um, no.) It won't work on my iphone without some serious patience. It's... horrible.

I deleted it because I was sick of the drama, sick of the people, sick of people knowing where I was at all times, what I was doing (because seriously, if you have it, you need to update this shit). So it went away. And maybe for like a day I kept trying to look for it to check into places but then? I really did not care.

Word to the wise- people will not be okay with this decision.

It's so much easier to put your life news on facebook so everyone can just read it, instead of sending a text or picking up a phone to update the people you care about. I get it, I'm not the only one in your life that you need to update. You have 235876580+ friends who need to know too. But seriously, when did we all rely on social media to keep people involved in our lives? I feel like I'm closer to people I don't even know, who live thousands of miles away, because I read their blog, than I am to people who live right in town.

SO I protested and left.

Another life lesson- if you're deleting Facebook, and you don't have a back up of your 700+ photos since 2006, back them up. NOW. or you'll be going back and doing just that.

I don't know if I'm going to keep it yet or not. If you're reading this, and you were my facebook friend but suddenly aren't, seriously, don't even trying starting shit with me about it because I will laugh in your face and probably tell you to go fuck yourself. It's FACEBOOK. Not real life.

But I do know, having a photography 'business' is hard without it. And apparently you can't keep your pages if you don't have an active account. So I may be stuck with it. I have learned though, that I refuse to rely on it. Is it good for a few laughs from the fan pages? Heck yeah- but nothing I can't get off of pinterest. Do I enjoy seeing friends' baby pictures that they post in a haste? Duh- but I do have picture messaging capabilities.

It is what it is. But I decided that this summer I was gonna rid myself of the clutter and the drama and I intend to stick to that. I just may have an active account that I don't use while doing so.

don't be falling in love, as she's walking away.

Summer of jail cells and iced coffee.

What do I do with my time?

I work. More than you, most likely. (No offense...) I drink a lot of coffee. I take pictures. I'm a faithful Instagram checker and Pinterest pinner. I dream about tattoos, when im not searching for them. I watch weird stuff on Netflix and ondemand. 

But now, it's summer. I deleted my Facebook, gave up some bad habits, and overall I'm attempting to be a more functioning member of society instead of being cooped up in my house all day everyday. Life is really weird. I was laid off from my primary income job meaning there's a good chance my bills won't get paid and ill end up in a jail cell by summers end. But whatever;I'll deal with that when the time comes. 

So instead of spending this summer taking kickboxing classes and working on massive DIY Pinterest projects and perfecting my wardrobe and getting all the tattoos and going on long road trips with friends to dinoland and the beach I will be here. Finding non expensive ways to get out and have fun. Going to the lake instead of the beach. Working full time hours in a non air conditioned box in the middle of a mall that I can't stand for slightly more than minimum wage. 

My extra cash will go into my tattoo fund and be spent on iced coffee. (You know times are rough when I give up my daily dunkin runs for homemade coffee in a to go cup.) 

This summer I'm not making any promises, I'm not playing by any rules, and I just want to have fun. In whatever ways i can find it.