happy birthday to me.

How many times can you be shot down before enough is enough?
How many times can something intervene in the universe before you throw in the towel?
When do you finally crack down and realize you are an awesome human being and you deserve more?

I'll answer these for you. You crack down when you find yourself spending a full day in a state of extreme terror over your life decisions up until this point. And you just give up when you realize no matter how many times you try, you always end up back at square one.

I've spent so long chasing after something and someone that I became blindsided on the way. Like you look back and realize 5+ years of your life has gone by and you're in exactly the same location, running in the same circles, but you get so far out of the circle and then a wormhole appears and sends you right back to the beginning of the circle and then you start running again.

Yet, when you make the conscious decision to do something about it, like, you're going to finally have that  conversation and every fucking time you try, something steps in the way. So what next? Do you keep running or do you stop and stand there like an idiot? This week, I stopped running. I stopped running and started digging. Because did I forget to mention the million foot wall around the circle? A wall of memories and good times that keep you running. They never go away. So, I have to dig my way out. And the dirt i'm digging is filled with the bad memories and i need to keep digging through it to get out. But the dirt is... heavy. and it weighs heavy on my heart and i have to keep stopping to compose myself. But i need to keep digging because i can not do this anymore.

What sucks the most though is that once i'm out, once i find my way out of this arena, i have to start over. I always had this idea in the back of my head that, in the end, this was who i was going to end up with. so i didn't need to try, i didnt need to meet people. but now? if i don't try, if i don't start over, i'm going to be alone forever. and that, my friends, is where my head is at.

happy 24th (and 5 days) to me.

do i have to do everything myself?

Most days anymore, that's what I end up doing.

Sometimes I think if I didn't have people around me I'd try to jump from a building and fly. Not really, but I tend to think I'm a superhero. Superheroes can fly. It's a good excuse to wear a cape.

Not working as much gives me way too much time for self reflection.

Fuck yeah.

Lately I've been big on women rights and us sticking together. So here's another subject that relates-

Equality.

I've never been one of them girls who would not ask a guy out "because I'm a girl". Tradition states that it's the man's job to ask the woman out. But we don't live in the 1900s anymore. We're independent and we're awesome and if we like a guy we should have a right to go up to him and be all "hey i fucking like you, let's date and shit."

Right?!

Yet, I'm also a hypocrite. Cause courage? Courage does not come in liquid form unless you're Harry Potter. And if I knew Harry Potter I'd totally be having him hook me up with Ron and I wouldn't have any sort of guy dilemmas ever again because we would be married and building our own Burrow with a million kids and dogs.

I dream big.

This has always been my mantra and always will be. I will never come down from the clouds and I will never be normal. I need someone who is okay with that and who's willing to fly alongside me, not try to rope me and bring me down to earth. Or maybe, that's exactly what I need. Gravity, stay the hell away from me. Unless you're grounding me to a life better than what I'm flying from.

So what happens when you find it in the form of someone who basically will never suck it up and ask you out, even if he does like you? Do you sit idly by and wait for some other bird to come and swoop him up? Do you say something and look ridiculous if he actually doesn't feel the same way? What's worse? Losing someone you love because they don't love you back in the now, or losing someone you love down the road because you never bothered to ask and someone else did?

Sometimes I'm not so sure.

I can't fake the daytime.

there's not enough time in most days. then there are the days that drag on forever. today was one of those days.

I decided I needed new clothes so I went shopping. i'm awesome at conserving money any more. but seriously, I had $5 in my bank account consistently for the past however many months and I saw a balance with more than two digits and decided to celebrate.

Old navy used to be my best friend so I searched there. I found an awesome denim shirt dress, a super comfortable shirt and a boyfriend sweater. I think that's what it's called. I figured I don't have a boyfriend to steal a sweater from so I may as well suck it up and buy one. And guess what? it's super warm, super cute, and light weight. Boys know what's up in the sweater department.

So then I needed belts, obviously. Apparently rue had some sort of clearance secret sale because what I tallied to be a $15 sale came out to be $4. Yeah, I was pretty stoked. I resisted temptation in the deb and didn't spend $90 for the three shirts I fell in love with. That's progress, me thinks.

Life has been weird. Mother nature hates me. My jobs hate me. I'm pretty sure I'm this close to failing out of grad school for lack of participation. And lack of teaching skills. I'm in the process of transferring to a school closer to home. I figure it's win-win. And Bloomsburg is just... bipolar and cold and lacking any logistics in it's education program so i'm peacing out of there. If Alvernia does not accept me, however, thennnn yeah, I'm dropping out and calling it a day. I'm so consistent.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and decide I wanna be a botanist. That sounds fun. Who knows. I knew this about myself a long time ago and I should have realized it wasn't going to go away just because I grew up and blew away.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that I'm really good at getting people to ignore me. I'm not that person who just sits idly by and shuts up when you're being stupid. sorry. And don't ask me my opinion if you're just going to ignore me when I give it to you. I really... don't know. It's like, ten steps forward, fifty steps back.

I'm dealing so well with life these days, obviously. I'm not quite sure there's a Xanax dose large enough to calm me down half the time. And I hate doctors so I refuse to go soooo i'm left to my own devices of dancing around parking lots and calming myself down in less than healthy ways.

This is why I enjoy the night. It masks everything. I go outside and can't see a damn thing, I can't see the world, and I'm okay with that. The world is a scary place. The night can be scary too. Things seem bigger and badder and way more complicated masked by the night. But the night has the stars and they may be the most magical thing that I have ever seen. Daytime is convenient, but who wants to settle for convenient?

oh look, you made the tree sad.

Seuss knew what was up.

Do you know what would be grand? If everyone just said what they were feeling. No mixed signals, no cryptic messages, no hoping the other person gained mind-reading skills over night. Straightforwardness. Myself included in this, as I am a guilty party as well.

Sometimes it's really hard, I know. 

But wouldn't it be lovely to go up to someone and say "hey, you're a douche-ass-hat, and you need to leave me alone now."? 

Or "Hi, I like you, let's get married and stuff?"

There are a million examples of things you could just... say. If you felt them.

Granted, it may not always be appropriate and it may not always be kind, but that's life. If everyone adopted this attitude of saying what they felt, and nobody took offense, life would be awesome. That's never going to happen. People would be mean about it, take it the wrong way, and blow things totally out of proportion.

That's not going to stop me, half the time, from speaking my mind though. When people piss me off, I tell them. If you're standing in front of me, I'll tell you to leave because your face makes me wanna punch a tree or something, and seriously, the tree did nothing to deserve that. 

Sigh. I don't know. It also makes me sad thinking about how much things change. You know, how one second you're bffs and the next it's like you don't even know each other. It's like life swoops in and just, in a moment, nothing you knew to be true is true anymore. 

I know I'm majorly at fault for bipolar friendships because my moods swing like a hammock in a tornado but sometimes, even I know it isn't me. Maybe it's not the other person entirely, either. But it's definitely not me. I can handle being the one to end things, the one at fault, cause at least then I'm in control (yep, control issues, this girl right here), and I can take the blame. 

I think this stemmed from the face that it's best friends day or something like that, as my friends on instagram so kindly informed me.  I wish life let me have one best friend, or one set of close friends. That would be easy? I mean, I'm so so so lucky to have the awesome people in my life. Three of whom I've know since 1st, 5th, and 6th grade. We be tight, yo. And we have that bond that I know we can go light-years without seeing each other then pick right back up. But the other ones, I speak of. The people who come and go and come again and they make my head wanna spin off into the universe and never return. 

Consistency is something I've always kinda craved but never really had with my life. I think that's why I form attachments to people and have such a hard time letting go. Guys especially. Some romantic, others not. Actually, mostly not. At the romantic end I kinda just throw that out to see and watch it burn with some popcorn anymore... I'm not heartless, I've just been there so many times that it gets easier. Except for one. But that's another story for another time, kids. cue ted mosby like music. 

Ahem, but yeah, guy friends seem to just waltz out. Especially the moment they find a significant other. Which i get. I do. Who wants to date a guy who's best friends with a girl, right ladies? It sucks, but jealousy runs in girls veins like glitter. Even the chillest girls on the outside have it in them. I'm sure after a while it would get to me too if I have came across that situation which I really haven't yet. So it's only natural that my guy bffs go off and find females and ditch me. Whatevs. But seriously, don't get mad at me when I'm the one to ditch you first before you can ditch me (hello, control pops up again). I'm going to distance myself.  If I genuinely care about you I'm going to want you to have a healthy and satisfying relationship and I wont do anything to jeopardize it. Again, it sucks. But I'm caring like that. It's when I don't leave, and I become close to the bitch it's that you should worry. Cause it probably means I secretly hate your guts.

Justtttttt kidding. Or am I? 

i'm that princess who slays her own dragons...

I'm not really someone you can count on for consistency. I used to be, but my life has kinda gone psycho in the past year or so. I mean, you can count on me to leave the house, but I'll never end up where I'm supposed to or do what I intended on doing. Like today when I left the house to go buy storage containers and I returned home over an hour later with new clothes and a winter coat ($15 clearance sale... hello bargains!) I still don't have storage containers, but I do have an outfit for work tomorrow and a way to stay warm when our temperatures drop to 15 degrees this week. Hello, winter. I loathe your coldness.

My head got all foggy and my brain got scattered and I walk into rooms and can't remember why. I don't know if it's an old age thing (cause seriously, i'm a year and a half away from a quarter life crisis), a stress reaction, or just how I've always been and I finally started paying attention. I'm sure if I googled it though, I'd have some sort of brain tumor. I need to stop googling my symptoms. And yes, spell check, 'google' is a word. And a verb. Keep up with the TIMES!

Never have I ever been one to need someone in her life. Sometimes I get wrapped up in someone and devote all my sparse free time to them because I genuinely enjoy their company (I'm talking about BOYS here... not my fabulous female companions...) but more often than not I get bored, they get douchey and we either amicably split ways or it gets awkward until someone has the guts to say it's no longer working. So yeah... I slay my own freaking dragons. I burn bridges... I have a lighter on hand at all times for that very reason... And people tend to get scared and not come back, you know? Cause who wants to fight with the crazy chick carrying a lighter around and slaying dragons and shit with her own bare hands... and then actually go against their better judgement and stick around? Well... crazy people.

One crazy person. Who always comes back. Who helps me slay my dragons when I can't quite get the knife deep enough, who blocks the wind for my cheap ass lighter when i'm setting things ablaze. Who puts up with my rants and late night psycho babble and my random dance parties. Who can talk me down from the ledge (hypothetically of course). But what I do in return is just the same, if not more. He's a ball of bipolar whirlwind chaotic mismatched printed socks. Who i can never read. He's that book written in elvish that some words just pop right out but others may never have a clear translation. And I have every reason in this world, and Mordor, to not trust him, to be wary. But with a history like ours, it's hard to burn the bridge completely. I tend to just put up road blocks until he's matured enough to knock them down. They're on an automatic timer though, with the slightest bit of bullshit and immaturity setting them right back up again... We'll see where this goes.

This is why I've always believed in not making promises. They're stupid and life happens and you can't change people, so why make promises? Unless it's like a promise to not make promises... that's a totally legit promise to make.

Stay classy.

Chivalry wasn't always dead.

I'm having a bipolar day. Now, I know what the meaning of true bipolar is. I was a psych major. But I know people in today's world use the term loosely in a modern way and today I wanna be just like everyone else. (Not really. Gag.)

First of all, I found my power couple. While people my age are out there fawning over the latest celebrity couples and whatever Kardashian is knocked up now I'm speaking of a couple that frequents my teeny tiny mall in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.

As the story goes (the abridged version) they've been together forever, literally. I guess he was in the army and she stayed faithful and waited for him to come home to her and then they grew old together. But then she got Alzheimer's and it was his turn to show his loyalty to her. They walk through this mall every single night and stop to see me every single night and make me wanna bawl my eyes out in an 'this is seriously the most romantic thing ever' kinda way. She calls me sweetheart and my heart melts. And she has the cutest headbands and they are always holding hands. They seriously give me hope for relationships and that just maybe there are still some faithful guys out there.

Cause I am way too young to consider buying St. Bernard puppies and calling it quits on men.

Side note: I've been consuming chocolate milk by the gallon... Yep I'm menstrual again.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Flashback: 2006

17 year old Megan starting her first job... At the local pretzel stand. Suddenly I find myself immersed in this new culture of old people chillaxing over doughy goodness and little kids screaming over ice cream and middle aged people screaming about the edibility of their pretzel. I was in culture shock. Soon I found my place though. Made a friend, who I'm still friends with to this day and you'll probably here a lot about, also made a bunch of enemies.

Current day 2013:
Pretzel stand goes out of business.

People's reactions: OMGz is it gone??? FOREVER??? No dipshit they went on vacation and took all of their equipment with them. The oven needed a trip to the Bahamas... Ugh people.

Another thing I hate is how I'm very obviously doing a piercing and people are all 'I have eyes and can see you're busy but it's really important you help me RIGHT NOW or my left kidney will jump out of my body and attack you' yeah? Well buddy I have a sharp piercing earring in my hand and my eyes are tired so they may just slip and attack your face instead of this girls ear... He left.

Sleepless Megan is not as friendly as she used to be. She's kinda a hot mess. The kinda hot mess where she's looking at the kid she's working with and he's sitting there eating his lucky charms and all if a sudden he and the kid next to him in lunch morph into one kid eating a huge hamburger alarming me half to death because the closest thing to a hamburger my kid eats is crabby patty gummy candies made entirely of wax and sugar.

I didn't have coffee today and chocolate milk is NOT a good substitute, friends.