I can't fake the daytime.

there's not enough time in most days. then there are the days that drag on forever. today was one of those days.

I decided I needed new clothes so I went shopping. i'm awesome at conserving money any more. but seriously, I had $5 in my bank account consistently for the past however many months and I saw a balance with more than two digits and decided to celebrate.

Old navy used to be my best friend so I searched there. I found an awesome denim shirt dress, a super comfortable shirt and a boyfriend sweater. I think that's what it's called. I figured I don't have a boyfriend to steal a sweater from so I may as well suck it up and buy one. And guess what? it's super warm, super cute, and light weight. Boys know what's up in the sweater department.

So then I needed belts, obviously. Apparently rue had some sort of clearance secret sale because what I tallied to be a $15 sale came out to be $4. Yeah, I was pretty stoked. I resisted temptation in the deb and didn't spend $90 for the three shirts I fell in love with. That's progress, me thinks.

Life has been weird. Mother nature hates me. My jobs hate me. I'm pretty sure I'm this close to failing out of grad school for lack of participation. And lack of teaching skills. I'm in the process of transferring to a school closer to home. I figure it's win-win. And Bloomsburg is just... bipolar and cold and lacking any logistics in it's education program so i'm peacing out of there. If Alvernia does not accept me, however, thennnn yeah, I'm dropping out and calling it a day. I'm so consistent.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and decide I wanna be a botanist. That sounds fun. Who knows. I knew this about myself a long time ago and I should have realized it wasn't going to go away just because I grew up and blew away.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that I'm really good at getting people to ignore me. I'm not that person who just sits idly by and shuts up when you're being stupid. sorry. And don't ask me my opinion if you're just going to ignore me when I give it to you. I really... don't know. It's like, ten steps forward, fifty steps back.

I'm dealing so well with life these days, obviously. I'm not quite sure there's a Xanax dose large enough to calm me down half the time. And I hate doctors so I refuse to go soooo i'm left to my own devices of dancing around parking lots and calming myself down in less than healthy ways.

This is why I enjoy the night. It masks everything. I go outside and can't see a damn thing, I can't see the world, and I'm okay with that. The world is a scary place. The night can be scary too. Things seem bigger and badder and way more complicated masked by the night. But the night has the stars and they may be the most magical thing that I have ever seen. Daytime is convenient, but who wants to settle for convenient?