back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how to deal with the despair of someone breaking your heart.

there are some things that school just does not prepare you for.

like: broken hearts, student loan payments, and the fact that you may just not be cut out for one career.

i'm pretty sure a UFO just went by my house... anyways...

we're drilled to pick a major to help us get a career we're going to have forever.

but what happens when we aren't awesome at one thing but merely great at many things?

i can make a cake a masterpiece, i have the eye for photography, i'm awesome at retail, apparently. i'd love to have my own business. i work well with children. i can relate, since i never grew up.

so maybe, just maybe, what i need are several jobs that each fulfill a different aspect of my interests. maybe i'm not typical. maybe i wont ever hold a 9-5 job with a desk or office.

i think i've blogged about this before. but i mean it. i'm going after subbing. first as an aid, eventually as a teacher. I wanna dabble in many things. this opens up my time for still staying at pagoda and also pursuing other dreams.

life is just weird like that.

it's funny what you can come up with when it's 1am, you're exhausted, and your brain won't shut off. there is entirely too much going on right now for my brain to be able to comprehend. but i'm hoping it works out for me in the end.

why i decided to delete my facebook... then make a hasty return.

Facebook gives me a headache. I'm not even joking. I've been back for 24 hours and already it wouldn't let me delete half my "friends" without trying to get me to add more, it wants me to add my phone number (um, no.) It won't work on my iphone without some serious patience. It's... horrible.

I deleted it because I was sick of the drama, sick of the people, sick of people knowing where I was at all times, what I was doing (because seriously, if you have it, you need to update this shit). So it went away. And maybe for like a day I kept trying to look for it to check into places but then? I really did not care.

Word to the wise- people will not be okay with this decision.

It's so much easier to put your life news on facebook so everyone can just read it, instead of sending a text or picking up a phone to update the people you care about. I get it, I'm not the only one in your life that you need to update. You have 235876580+ friends who need to know too. But seriously, when did we all rely on social media to keep people involved in our lives? I feel like I'm closer to people I don't even know, who live thousands of miles away, because I read their blog, than I am to people who live right in town.

SO I protested and left.

Another life lesson- if you're deleting Facebook, and you don't have a back up of your 700+ photos since 2006, back them up. NOW. or you'll be going back and doing just that.

I don't know if I'm going to keep it yet or not. If you're reading this, and you were my facebook friend but suddenly aren't, seriously, don't even trying starting shit with me about it because I will laugh in your face and probably tell you to go fuck yourself. It's FACEBOOK. Not real life.

But I do know, having a photography 'business' is hard without it. And apparently you can't keep your pages if you don't have an active account. So I may be stuck with it. I have learned though, that I refuse to rely on it. Is it good for a few laughs from the fan pages? Heck yeah- but nothing I can't get off of pinterest. Do I enjoy seeing friends' baby pictures that they post in a haste? Duh- but I do have picture messaging capabilities.

It is what it is. But I decided that this summer I was gonna rid myself of the clutter and the drama and I intend to stick to that. I just may have an active account that I don't use while doing so.

Size is just a number.

This is just a perfect quote for something that I wanna address tonight. I usually don't do topics, but this is something that I feel super passionate about and something that I've recently been getting more involved in.

Women and their weight.

I do, but apparently not too many people do, women especially.

I struggled with weight my entire life and I still do to this day. I was a "fat kid" and sometime around mid high school I got sick of it and started walking. Thats it. And I dropped a ton of weight. I felt better, I looked better. College rolled around and I gained some back, but I hit the gym up and was soon even thinner than before. Then I graduated and it kind of all went downhill, though.

I will preface this by saying that I am not saying that I'm fat. I could afford to lose some weight, gain some muscle, get into better shape. But all in all, I'm fine with the way I look weight wise. We all have our days when something doesn't fit right or we look in the mirror and groan but seriously, WHO DOESN'T? Some of the "thinnest" people I know look at themselves in the mirror and see a "fat" version of themselves. 

What pisses me off is that women feel the need to be skinny. They're going to any extremes to not see any fat rolls, not have any curves. Anorexia, diet pills, excessive exercise, sometimes all combined. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that? What are we teaching our younger generation of women? That they're only going to be loved if they're a size zero and can see their bones through their skin? I've been there. I've also gotten over that.

It's like, when you accept the fact that you're going to have curves, that you're never going to be a size 2, 4, or even 6, that a weight itself just lifts from you. Size is just a number. I've realized this recently.

Weight is just a number, too. It can't measure how you feel about yourself. It can't measure how healthy and fit you are. It can't tell you how much muscle you have. 

The Biggest Loser is challenging America to get fit and I couldn't agree more with that. We do need to get fit. There are people with food addictions and people who fall under this 'obese' category who need to lose weight to save their lives. But that's not EVERYONE. That's not middle school kids skipping lunch. 

We need to support each other, as women. Taylor Swift said something like "there's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." She completely takes that to way too high standards but this is definitely something in which that applies. I think it's sickening to see women making comments on other women's pictures about their weight. I think it's appalling when women post before and after pictures of their weight loss transformation and women are commenting 'wow you're so beautiful!' NO. NO NO NO. She was beautiful before. She's beautiful now. But now? She's healthier, she's more confident, she has less of a risk for heart disease. But beauty? That's ALWAYS been there.

There's so much wrong with how women treat other women and how women perceive the models and celebrities they admire. And this scares me for the future. For my future daughter, what kind of world is she going to live in? What if she has the same weight issues I did? Will she get picked on like I did? I'd fight anyone to death who'd say anything negative to her, and she's not even real yet. 

Sigh. SO yeah, I think we need to challenge America. To change their mindset. To take down all those pictures of models who have absolutely no figure. To start exercising and to start eating healthy because they want to take care of their body and mind, they want to be able to chase after their kids without getting out of breath or take the stairs without issues. Not because they want a number on a scale to tell them they're beautiful. In case no one's told you lately-- you're already beautiful.

I can't fake the daytime.

there's not enough time in most days. then there are the days that drag on forever. today was one of those days.

I decided I needed new clothes so I went shopping. i'm awesome at conserving money any more. but seriously, I had $5 in my bank account consistently for the past however many months and I saw a balance with more than two digits and decided to celebrate.

Old navy used to be my best friend so I searched there. I found an awesome denim shirt dress, a super comfortable shirt and a boyfriend sweater. I think that's what it's called. I figured I don't have a boyfriend to steal a sweater from so I may as well suck it up and buy one. And guess what? it's super warm, super cute, and light weight. Boys know what's up in the sweater department.

So then I needed belts, obviously. Apparently rue had some sort of clearance secret sale because what I tallied to be a $15 sale came out to be $4. Yeah, I was pretty stoked. I resisted temptation in the deb and didn't spend $90 for the three shirts I fell in love with. That's progress, me thinks.

Life has been weird. Mother nature hates me. My jobs hate me. I'm pretty sure I'm this close to failing out of grad school for lack of participation. And lack of teaching skills. I'm in the process of transferring to a school closer to home. I figure it's win-win. And Bloomsburg is just... bipolar and cold and lacking any logistics in it's education program so i'm peacing out of there. If Alvernia does not accept me, however, thennnn yeah, I'm dropping out and calling it a day. I'm so consistent.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and decide I wanna be a botanist. That sounds fun. Who knows. I knew this about myself a long time ago and I should have realized it wasn't going to go away just because I grew up and blew away.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that I'm really good at getting people to ignore me. I'm not that person who just sits idly by and shuts up when you're being stupid. sorry. And don't ask me my opinion if you're just going to ignore me when I give it to you. I really... don't know. It's like, ten steps forward, fifty steps back.

I'm dealing so well with life these days, obviously. I'm not quite sure there's a Xanax dose large enough to calm me down half the time. And I hate doctors so I refuse to go soooo i'm left to my own devices of dancing around parking lots and calming myself down in less than healthy ways.

This is why I enjoy the night. It masks everything. I go outside and can't see a damn thing, I can't see the world, and I'm okay with that. The world is a scary place. The night can be scary too. Things seem bigger and badder and way more complicated masked by the night. But the night has the stars and they may be the most magical thing that I have ever seen. Daytime is convenient, but who wants to settle for convenient?

You tell me I'm a wreck...

I definitely bit off more than I can chew this time. 70 hour work weeks? Bring it. Three jobs? Lets go. But commuting to and from school, three times a week, an hr each way, in the dark? It's my kryptonite apparently. I spent an hr and a half on a high way, in the fog and pouring rain screaming obscenities at trucks and having panic attacks tonight.

I've always been really open about my anxiety. Usually I can handle it. Deep breathing, secluding myself, positive thinking, rocking, whatever it takes to calm myself down. Those choices are limited when you're driving and absolutely certain you're about to die. It takes something away from you. All rational thought goes out the window and bam, you're gone. You can't breathe and can't feel your legs and you see things that aren't there or aren't what they seem. It's scary. Maybe I should be on something for it but up until this point I've been okay with it. Now that may change.

So yeah, I'm dropping a class. I'm waiting to hear back from my advisor about which class she thinks I should drop, but I made it pretty clear which one i wanted to drop, tomorrows.... Cause I can't drive there and back one more time this week. I'm certain it will kill me, and that's rational Megan talking on that one. I guess I just inherited a book for a class that I may never use. But bright side is I'm doing it early enough that ill get the money back for it.

One of my professors told us that she gets we wanna finish school but our goal isn't to finish... It's to learn, no matter how long that may take us. And I guess I need t be okay with the fact that I may not be done in two years.

So for now here's to not rushing things, to asshole drivers who obviously don't know what the passing lane is for, and to mental health awareness. Maybe ill post something more philosophical and mindful tomorrow. Right now I need to crash before I down the case of twisted tea I have sitting in my room and don't wake up for work tomorrow.

oh look, you made the tree sad.

Seuss knew what was up.

Do you know what would be grand? If everyone just said what they were feeling. No mixed signals, no cryptic messages, no hoping the other person gained mind-reading skills over night. Straightforwardness. Myself included in this, as I am a guilty party as well.

Sometimes it's really hard, I know. 

But wouldn't it be lovely to go up to someone and say "hey, you're a douche-ass-hat, and you need to leave me alone now."? 

Or "Hi, I like you, let's get married and stuff?"

There are a million examples of things you could just... say. If you felt them.

Granted, it may not always be appropriate and it may not always be kind, but that's life. If everyone adopted this attitude of saying what they felt, and nobody took offense, life would be awesome. That's never going to happen. People would be mean about it, take it the wrong way, and blow things totally out of proportion.

That's not going to stop me, half the time, from speaking my mind though. When people piss me off, I tell them. If you're standing in front of me, I'll tell you to leave because your face makes me wanna punch a tree or something, and seriously, the tree did nothing to deserve that. 

Sigh. I don't know. It also makes me sad thinking about how much things change. You know, how one second you're bffs and the next it's like you don't even know each other. It's like life swoops in and just, in a moment, nothing you knew to be true is true anymore. 

I know I'm majorly at fault for bipolar friendships because my moods swing like a hammock in a tornado but sometimes, even I know it isn't me. Maybe it's not the other person entirely, either. But it's definitely not me. I can handle being the one to end things, the one at fault, cause at least then I'm in control (yep, control issues, this girl right here), and I can take the blame. 

I think this stemmed from the face that it's best friends day or something like that, as my friends on instagram so kindly informed me.  I wish life let me have one best friend, or one set of close friends. That would be easy? I mean, I'm so so so lucky to have the awesome people in my life. Three of whom I've know since 1st, 5th, and 6th grade. We be tight, yo. And we have that bond that I know we can go light-years without seeing each other then pick right back up. But the other ones, I speak of. The people who come and go and come again and they make my head wanna spin off into the universe and never return. 

Consistency is something I've always kinda craved but never really had with my life. I think that's why I form attachments to people and have such a hard time letting go. Guys especially. Some romantic, others not. Actually, mostly not. At the romantic end I kinda just throw that out to see and watch it burn with some popcorn anymore... I'm not heartless, I've just been there so many times that it gets easier. Except for one. But that's another story for another time, kids. cue ted mosby like music. 

Ahem, but yeah, guy friends seem to just waltz out. Especially the moment they find a significant other. Which i get. I do. Who wants to date a guy who's best friends with a girl, right ladies? It sucks, but jealousy runs in girls veins like glitter. Even the chillest girls on the outside have it in them. I'm sure after a while it would get to me too if I have came across that situation which I really haven't yet. So it's only natural that my guy bffs go off and find females and ditch me. Whatevs. But seriously, don't get mad at me when I'm the one to ditch you first before you can ditch me (hello, control pops up again). I'm going to distance myself.  If I genuinely care about you I'm going to want you to have a healthy and satisfying relationship and I wont do anything to jeopardize it. Again, it sucks. But I'm caring like that. It's when I don't leave, and I become close to the bitch it's that you should worry. Cause it probably means I secretly hate your guts.

Justtttttt kidding. Or am I?