happy birthday to me.

How many times can you be shot down before enough is enough?
How many times can something intervene in the universe before you throw in the towel?
When do you finally crack down and realize you are an awesome human being and you deserve more?

I'll answer these for you. You crack down when you find yourself spending a full day in a state of extreme terror over your life decisions up until this point. And you just give up when you realize no matter how many times you try, you always end up back at square one.

I've spent so long chasing after something and someone that I became blindsided on the way. Like you look back and realize 5+ years of your life has gone by and you're in exactly the same location, running in the same circles, but you get so far out of the circle and then a wormhole appears and sends you right back to the beginning of the circle and then you start running again.

Yet, when you make the conscious decision to do something about it, like, you're going to finally have that  conversation and every fucking time you try, something steps in the way. So what next? Do you keep running or do you stop and stand there like an idiot? This week, I stopped running. I stopped running and started digging. Because did I forget to mention the million foot wall around the circle? A wall of memories and good times that keep you running. They never go away. So, I have to dig my way out. And the dirt i'm digging is filled with the bad memories and i need to keep digging through it to get out. But the dirt is... heavy. and it weighs heavy on my heart and i have to keep stopping to compose myself. But i need to keep digging because i can not do this anymore.

What sucks the most though is that once i'm out, once i find my way out of this arena, i have to start over. I always had this idea in the back of my head that, in the end, this was who i was going to end up with. so i didn't need to try, i didnt need to meet people. but now? if i don't try, if i don't start over, i'm going to be alone forever. and that, my friends, is where my head is at.

happy 24th (and 5 days) to me.