do i have to do everything myself?

Most days anymore, that's what I end up doing.

Sometimes I think if I didn't have people around me I'd try to jump from a building and fly. Not really, but I tend to think I'm a superhero. Superheroes can fly. It's a good excuse to wear a cape.

Not working as much gives me way too much time for self reflection.

Fuck yeah.

Lately I've been big on women rights and us sticking together. So here's another subject that relates-

Equality.

I've never been one of them girls who would not ask a guy out "because I'm a girl". Tradition states that it's the man's job to ask the woman out. But we don't live in the 1900s anymore. We're independent and we're awesome and if we like a guy we should have a right to go up to him and be all "hey i fucking like you, let's date and shit."

Right?!

Yet, I'm also a hypocrite. Cause courage? Courage does not come in liquid form unless you're Harry Potter. And if I knew Harry Potter I'd totally be having him hook me up with Ron and I wouldn't have any sort of guy dilemmas ever again because we would be married and building our own Burrow with a million kids and dogs.

I dream big.

This has always been my mantra and always will be. I will never come down from the clouds and I will never be normal. I need someone who is okay with that and who's willing to fly alongside me, not try to rope me and bring me down to earth. Or maybe, that's exactly what I need. Gravity, stay the hell away from me. Unless you're grounding me to a life better than what I'm flying from.

So what happens when you find it in the form of someone who basically will never suck it up and ask you out, even if he does like you? Do you sit idly by and wait for some other bird to come and swoop him up? Do you say something and look ridiculous if he actually doesn't feel the same way? What's worse? Losing someone you love because they don't love you back in the now, or losing someone you love down the road because you never bothered to ask and someone else did?

Sometimes I'm not so sure.

Unbreakable

Nobody can have it all together all the time, right?

Well I guess some people can. With perfect conditions and circumstances.

Those people suck.

Tonight, on my journey home, I made some revelations about myself and my life up until this point.

One, I'm a big fat liar. I never knew what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing because there were so many things I wanted to devote my life to. But that's not acceptable. You're supposed to go to college and pick a major and then find a career dealing with that major and do that until you're 65 and then retire with your 401k to a nice village in florida or california and reflect upon how much good you've done. This is bullshit. There are people making more money that I am without even a high school education. I'm not programmed to do one thing for the rest of my life. What if I want to spend my mornings working in my bakery and then go and work at a day care in the afternoon and spend my evenings teaching yoga and kick boxing classes? How do I do that? With college loans and debt and car payments. With this awesome degree I worked so hard for. This is why I made the decision to not continue grad school. It's paid for, sans loans, so I'm no worse in debt.

Two, people just suck. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without people in my life. They leave and lie and move on with their lives and there's nothing you can really do. You can't control others. What's the point in trying to keep someone in your life who doesn't make equal effort? There's maybe one person I become distraught over the thought of losing, which is another revelation I made tonight. That can't be good. Apparently I've gone from forming entirely too close attachments with people to not being able to form any. My psych senses are tingling.

Three, sometimes you just need to get away. This is what I'm striving for this summer. I need to get away.

Four, it's okay to fall apart sometimes. Life is hard. People place so many demands on us everyday. We may be unbreakable but we're not bulletproof.

Five, I'm psychotic. And not just because I can't end lists on even numbers.

Size is just a number.

This is just a perfect quote for something that I wanna address tonight. I usually don't do topics, but this is something that I feel super passionate about and something that I've recently been getting more involved in.

Women and their weight.

I do, but apparently not too many people do, women especially.

I struggled with weight my entire life and I still do to this day. I was a "fat kid" and sometime around mid high school I got sick of it and started walking. Thats it. And I dropped a ton of weight. I felt better, I looked better. College rolled around and I gained some back, but I hit the gym up and was soon even thinner than before. Then I graduated and it kind of all went downhill, though.

I will preface this by saying that I am not saying that I'm fat. I could afford to lose some weight, gain some muscle, get into better shape. But all in all, I'm fine with the way I look weight wise. We all have our days when something doesn't fit right or we look in the mirror and groan but seriously, WHO DOESN'T? Some of the "thinnest" people I know look at themselves in the mirror and see a "fat" version of themselves. 

What pisses me off is that women feel the need to be skinny. They're going to any extremes to not see any fat rolls, not have any curves. Anorexia, diet pills, excessive exercise, sometimes all combined. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that? What are we teaching our younger generation of women? That they're only going to be loved if they're a size zero and can see their bones through their skin? I've been there. I've also gotten over that.

It's like, when you accept the fact that you're going to have curves, that you're never going to be a size 2, 4, or even 6, that a weight itself just lifts from you. Size is just a number. I've realized this recently.

Weight is just a number, too. It can't measure how you feel about yourself. It can't measure how healthy and fit you are. It can't tell you how much muscle you have. 

The Biggest Loser is challenging America to get fit and I couldn't agree more with that. We do need to get fit. There are people with food addictions and people who fall under this 'obese' category who need to lose weight to save their lives. But that's not EVERYONE. That's not middle school kids skipping lunch. 

We need to support each other, as women. Taylor Swift said something like "there's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." She completely takes that to way too high standards but this is definitely something in which that applies. I think it's sickening to see women making comments on other women's pictures about their weight. I think it's appalling when women post before and after pictures of their weight loss transformation and women are commenting 'wow you're so beautiful!' NO. NO NO NO. She was beautiful before. She's beautiful now. But now? She's healthier, she's more confident, she has less of a risk for heart disease. But beauty? That's ALWAYS been there.

There's so much wrong with how women treat other women and how women perceive the models and celebrities they admire. And this scares me for the future. For my future daughter, what kind of world is she going to live in? What if she has the same weight issues I did? Will she get picked on like I did? I'd fight anyone to death who'd say anything negative to her, and she's not even real yet. 

Sigh. SO yeah, I think we need to challenge America. To change their mindset. To take down all those pictures of models who have absolutely no figure. To start exercising and to start eating healthy because they want to take care of their body and mind, they want to be able to chase after their kids without getting out of breath or take the stairs without issues. Not because they want a number on a scale to tell them they're beautiful. In case no one's told you lately-- you're already beautiful.

My thoughts while driving.

Um, did I just hit something?

Damn potholes.

It's called a turn signal... they're pretty easy to use.

SERIOUSLY, turn your high beams off!

I'm blinded by the light *singing*

I swear I just saw a ghost...

Yep, that's a ghost. I'm gonna die.

The ghost is gonna kill me.

I didn't check the back seat before I got into the car...

Aren't you supposed to do that and check for murderers?

or zombies or something?

I could so take a zombie.

Or pretend to be one.

La de da.

CAT! I want it.

Did I eat dinner?

Ooh, a gummy bear.

Wheres my coffee?

Why didn't I change this cd before I started driving?

This cd is really annoying.

*starts singing a long*

ugh.... winter.

it's dark... are my high beams on?

Is that a cop? No? Okay.

That was a cop...

I wasn't speeding? Cool.

The stars are really pretty tonight.

I wish I could pull over and look at them.

The murderer in my back seat would probably attack me then.

Red lights are stupid. Especially when in a row.

I'm going TEN MPH ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT. Get off my ass!!

Why are you going so slowwww?

Pass me, asshole. I'll slow down until you do.

Mwahahahaha. I hate driving.

Omg I love driving. Wheeeee. No hands.

Okay, I should have hands on the wheel.

Is that a cow? MOOOO.

Am I there yet?

Half way there... living on a prayerrrrrr.

This high way blows. Trucks, you suck.

Can I have a chauffeur? Or a magic carpet?

Or a time machine?

Why did I ever learn to drive?

I never learned to ride a bike....

Why didn't I move somewhere I don't need a car?

I still can....

Omg I'm home.





My head is a scary place.

I can't fake the daytime.

there's not enough time in most days. then there are the days that drag on forever. today was one of those days.

I decided I needed new clothes so I went shopping. i'm awesome at conserving money any more. but seriously, I had $5 in my bank account consistently for the past however many months and I saw a balance with more than two digits and decided to celebrate.

Old navy used to be my best friend so I searched there. I found an awesome denim shirt dress, a super comfortable shirt and a boyfriend sweater. I think that's what it's called. I figured I don't have a boyfriend to steal a sweater from so I may as well suck it up and buy one. And guess what? it's super warm, super cute, and light weight. Boys know what's up in the sweater department.

So then I needed belts, obviously. Apparently rue had some sort of clearance secret sale because what I tallied to be a $15 sale came out to be $4. Yeah, I was pretty stoked. I resisted temptation in the deb and didn't spend $90 for the three shirts I fell in love with. That's progress, me thinks.

Life has been weird. Mother nature hates me. My jobs hate me. I'm pretty sure I'm this close to failing out of grad school for lack of participation. And lack of teaching skills. I'm in the process of transferring to a school closer to home. I figure it's win-win. And Bloomsburg is just... bipolar and cold and lacking any logistics in it's education program so i'm peacing out of there. If Alvernia does not accept me, however, thennnn yeah, I'm dropping out and calling it a day. I'm so consistent.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and decide I wanna be a botanist. That sounds fun. Who knows. I knew this about myself a long time ago and I should have realized it wasn't going to go away just because I grew up and blew away.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that I'm really good at getting people to ignore me. I'm not that person who just sits idly by and shuts up when you're being stupid. sorry. And don't ask me my opinion if you're just going to ignore me when I give it to you. I really... don't know. It's like, ten steps forward, fifty steps back.

I'm dealing so well with life these days, obviously. I'm not quite sure there's a Xanax dose large enough to calm me down half the time. And I hate doctors so I refuse to go soooo i'm left to my own devices of dancing around parking lots and calming myself down in less than healthy ways.

This is why I enjoy the night. It masks everything. I go outside and can't see a damn thing, I can't see the world, and I'm okay with that. The world is a scary place. The night can be scary too. Things seem bigger and badder and way more complicated masked by the night. But the night has the stars and they may be the most magical thing that I have ever seen. Daytime is convenient, but who wants to settle for convenient?

This is not a love story.

Sometimes I feel as if my life is an alternate version of 500 days of summer.

This hits way too close to home. 

I feel like people take ten steps forward and then fifty back and you just end up heart broken or confused or lonely or just a clusterfuck of emotions that you can't decipher. That's where I'm at. 

Why can't people just... Be simple? Why can't feelings not be messy? Clean cut sandwiches instead of hot wings for dinner. I guess that would be boring. Whatever. 

If I've learned anything in life it's that once you stop trying, what's the point? Something inside shuts off and you just can't care anymore, at least not in the moment. Each moment is fleeting, so hey, that may change, but in the now? Trying is tiresome and I don't sleep enough for this bullshit. 

People are just stupid. Sometimes I wonder what life is like in other places. I wonder what the people are like and if they're friendly, if they keep their promises, if they make an effort. Or if they're just the same untrustworthy selfish losers I know the human race to be. No offense, people. But humanity as a whole kinda blows. 

Maybe I'll just leave this place. Maybe it'll be better. I can start over as my own best friend.

I told myself I'd be more positive this year. Maybe this is a start.

Road rage

First, I should say that I am, by no means, the best driver in the world. In fact, I suck, mostly at night, at getting myself from point A to B without panicking. But there are certain things that are just common sense...

1. If I can't see your headlights in my mirror you are toooooo close. Seriously, how hard is it to brake before you're on my bumper? Also, if you see me moving up because this occurs, don't freaking move up more so you're just as close, douches.

2) If you're turning... just put your turn signal on. It's not that hard. Also, if you're turning... five turns from now, don't put your turn signal on and pass all the turns and expect me to read your mind and brake quickly enough to not have to swerve around your dumb ass.

3) You can't be blind... so you obviously see me and my huge gold car coming towards you... with no traffic behind me, so why the hell do you need to pull out in front of me? Oh, you're on your cell phone and trying to apply makeup. Okay, makes sense.

4) It's raining and it's foggy and yeah, I'm going below the speed limit. See that lane right to the left of me? Oh, that's the passing lane. Completely empty. Use it. 

5) I get that it's day time and you don't feel the need to use your headlights, that used to be me, but seriously? It's winter, the sun is not out and it's randomly foggy... your headlights might not make much of a difference to you (or maybe if you tried them they would...) but it certainly makes me be able to spot your speeding ass in a quickly manner so i can avoid you.

That's just the start of it... maybe I need to hire a chauffeur.

So yeah, I dropped my Tuesday night class and this week, the first week, I had to skip class tonight because I freak out when I reached a curvy stretch of road, covered in snow, and fog so thick I couldn't see. So hopefully my professor is awesome enough to not hold it against me, because I think I'm more valuable to the class alive than if I'd end up in a ditch somewhere. Cause honestly, I just didn't see myself in class tonight. For whatever reason. But I still attempted to go... so if I wouldn't have turned around, and my vision of not getting there came true, who knows where I would have ended up. I'm paranoid, I know.

You love my psychosis...