Road rage

First, I should say that I am, by no means, the best driver in the world. In fact, I suck, mostly at night, at getting myself from point A to B without panicking. But there are certain things that are just common sense...

1. If I can't see your headlights in my mirror you are toooooo close. Seriously, how hard is it to brake before you're on my bumper? Also, if you see me moving up because this occurs, don't freaking move up more so you're just as close, douches.

2) If you're turning... just put your turn signal on. It's not that hard. Also, if you're turning... five turns from now, don't put your turn signal on and pass all the turns and expect me to read your mind and brake quickly enough to not have to swerve around your dumb ass.

3) You can't be blind... so you obviously see me and my huge gold car coming towards you... with no traffic behind me, so why the hell do you need to pull out in front of me? Oh, you're on your cell phone and trying to apply makeup. Okay, makes sense.

4) It's raining and it's foggy and yeah, I'm going below the speed limit. See that lane right to the left of me? Oh, that's the passing lane. Completely empty. Use it. 

5) I get that it's day time and you don't feel the need to use your headlights, that used to be me, but seriously? It's winter, the sun is not out and it's randomly foggy... your headlights might not make much of a difference to you (or maybe if you tried them they would...) but it certainly makes me be able to spot your speeding ass in a quickly manner so i can avoid you.

That's just the start of it... maybe I need to hire a chauffeur.

So yeah, I dropped my Tuesday night class and this week, the first week, I had to skip class tonight because I freak out when I reached a curvy stretch of road, covered in snow, and fog so thick I couldn't see. So hopefully my professor is awesome enough to not hold it against me, because I think I'm more valuable to the class alive than if I'd end up in a ditch somewhere. Cause honestly, I just didn't see myself in class tonight. For whatever reason. But I still attempted to go... so if I wouldn't have turned around, and my vision of not getting there came true, who knows where I would have ended up. I'm paranoid, I know.

You love my psychosis...

You tell me I'm a wreck...

I definitely bit off more than I can chew this time. 70 hour work weeks? Bring it. Three jobs? Lets go. But commuting to and from school, three times a week, an hr each way, in the dark? It's my kryptonite apparently. I spent an hr and a half on a high way, in the fog and pouring rain screaming obscenities at trucks and having panic attacks tonight.

I've always been really open about my anxiety. Usually I can handle it. Deep breathing, secluding myself, positive thinking, rocking, whatever it takes to calm myself down. Those choices are limited when you're driving and absolutely certain you're about to die. It takes something away from you. All rational thought goes out the window and bam, you're gone. You can't breathe and can't feel your legs and you see things that aren't there or aren't what they seem. It's scary. Maybe I should be on something for it but up until this point I've been okay with it. Now that may change.

So yeah, I'm dropping a class. I'm waiting to hear back from my advisor about which class she thinks I should drop, but I made it pretty clear which one i wanted to drop, tomorrows.... Cause I can't drive there and back one more time this week. I'm certain it will kill me, and that's rational Megan talking on that one. I guess I just inherited a book for a class that I may never use. But bright side is I'm doing it early enough that ill get the money back for it.

One of my professors told us that she gets we wanna finish school but our goal isn't to finish... It's to learn, no matter how long that may take us. And I guess I need t be okay with the fact that I may not be done in two years.

So for now here's to not rushing things, to asshole drivers who obviously don't know what the passing lane is for, and to mental health awareness. Maybe ill post something more philosophical and mindful tomorrow. Right now I need to crash before I down the case of twisted tea I have sitting in my room and don't wake up for work tomorrow.

oh look, you made the tree sad.

Seuss knew what was up.

Do you know what would be grand? If everyone just said what they were feeling. No mixed signals, no cryptic messages, no hoping the other person gained mind-reading skills over night. Straightforwardness. Myself included in this, as I am a guilty party as well.

Sometimes it's really hard, I know. 

But wouldn't it be lovely to go up to someone and say "hey, you're a douche-ass-hat, and you need to leave me alone now."? 

Or "Hi, I like you, let's get married and stuff?"

There are a million examples of things you could just... say. If you felt them.

Granted, it may not always be appropriate and it may not always be kind, but that's life. If everyone adopted this attitude of saying what they felt, and nobody took offense, life would be awesome. That's never going to happen. People would be mean about it, take it the wrong way, and blow things totally out of proportion.

That's not going to stop me, half the time, from speaking my mind though. When people piss me off, I tell them. If you're standing in front of me, I'll tell you to leave because your face makes me wanna punch a tree or something, and seriously, the tree did nothing to deserve that. 

Sigh. I don't know. It also makes me sad thinking about how much things change. You know, how one second you're bffs and the next it's like you don't even know each other. It's like life swoops in and just, in a moment, nothing you knew to be true is true anymore. 

I know I'm majorly at fault for bipolar friendships because my moods swing like a hammock in a tornado but sometimes, even I know it isn't me. Maybe it's not the other person entirely, either. But it's definitely not me. I can handle being the one to end things, the one at fault, cause at least then I'm in control (yep, control issues, this girl right here), and I can take the blame. 

I think this stemmed from the face that it's best friends day or something like that, as my friends on instagram so kindly informed me.  I wish life let me have one best friend, or one set of close friends. That would be easy? I mean, I'm so so so lucky to have the awesome people in my life. Three of whom I've know since 1st, 5th, and 6th grade. We be tight, yo. And we have that bond that I know we can go light-years without seeing each other then pick right back up. But the other ones, I speak of. The people who come and go and come again and they make my head wanna spin off into the universe and never return. 

Consistency is something I've always kinda craved but never really had with my life. I think that's why I form attachments to people and have such a hard time letting go. Guys especially. Some romantic, others not. Actually, mostly not. At the romantic end I kinda just throw that out to see and watch it burn with some popcorn anymore... I'm not heartless, I've just been there so many times that it gets easier. Except for one. But that's another story for another time, kids. cue ted mosby like music. 

Ahem, but yeah, guy friends seem to just waltz out. Especially the moment they find a significant other. Which i get. I do. Who wants to date a guy who's best friends with a girl, right ladies? It sucks, but jealousy runs in girls veins like glitter. Even the chillest girls on the outside have it in them. I'm sure after a while it would get to me too if I have came across that situation which I really haven't yet. So it's only natural that my guy bffs go off and find females and ditch me. Whatevs. But seriously, don't get mad at me when I'm the one to ditch you first before you can ditch me (hello, control pops up again). I'm going to distance myself.  If I genuinely care about you I'm going to want you to have a healthy and satisfying relationship and I wont do anything to jeopardize it. Again, it sucks. But I'm caring like that. It's when I don't leave, and I become close to the bitch it's that you should worry. Cause it probably means I secretly hate your guts.

Justtttttt kidding. Or am I? 

all children, except one, grow up.

If I've ever found truth in this, it's now.

Today, I started my graduate career. I sat in a room with about 20-25 other graduate students, either just starting or who recently started and we did an ice breaker and had a discussion on cultural diversity and took a pre-teacher test.

As I sat there a girl who sat next to me (she got a musical theater under grad degree...) asked me a million questions. Like, what courses am I signed up for and who the professors are, and about my life history. I honestly had no idea how to answer half of her questions. I could tell her that I graduated from Millersville with a psychology degree and that it's my first semester there. Yet I had no clue what classes I was signed up for or who was teaching them. I so wasn't prepared. Not to mention I don't do well with questions about myself, especially in a group setting. I can break out in song lyrics and I can recite poetic quotes but when it comes to myself, I haven't a clue. I adopted this go with the flow attitude so long ago and I guess that ends the second you sign up for graduate school. Suddenly they have me filling out questionnaires and needing to write a life action plan with goals and ways of achieving them and a time table for each goal. I don't know what I'm planning on doing two days from now, how the hell am I supposed to write out a plan for two years from now?

I guess I need to wing it, though. I guess I need to finally think about these things. I can't succeed in grad school without a plan, apparently. I thought applying was a huge step, apparently that's nothing. I need to figure out where this is going.

This resulted in my reading the course syllabus for each class and having mini panic attacks thinking about the course load I'm taking on. Lesson plans and book club discussions, and hosting a math event at a local elementary school... It sounds like so much, you know? On top of working two jobs. How this has anything to do with wanting to teach in an autistic support classroom is beyond me. I guess... I'll figure it out though. My books are bought. There's no going back now.

Even if I want to run screaming, as far as possible. Cause I told myself at the start of this year I'd face my fears. I guess I'm going to get to face group work and public speaking all this semester.

When did I grow up?

rainbow bright snuggies are so not lame.

Winter has finally arrived in northeast pa. Our highs haven't been getting out of the teens and everyone is freezing. I spent an hour outside last night, when the low was 9 degrees, talking about ghosts... I may be crazy. But we definitely heard a ghost banging on the doors and it just wasn't safe to re enter the building or for me to get into my car. Who knows what those ghosts may have done. 

My job is getting crazier by the day. Corporate asshats seem to think they can show up whenever they want and change everything... I guess they technically can, you know, being corporate and all. But it still sucks. For I have to watch my back at all times and that's super hard when you're in a kiosk right smack dab in the middle of the mall. They come at ya from all directions.

My hormones seems to be at an all time high. I've been crying over everything. My hair, the cold, little kids yelling at me, my dog barking, nonsensical things, sensical things like the future. I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm just hoping it passes by next week when school starts because I really don't want to walk into classes with puffy eyes and a hoarse voice. That's a fabulous first impression. 

I've been going through pictures on my computer and I've come to determine that I used to have a floor in my bedroom. That's going to be my goal for tomorrow, I guess. I have all morning and afternoon... so i introduce operation locate megan's floor.... this may result in me not having a bed when I get sick of cleaning and just throw everything on a pile on top of my bed. We shall see. 

I guess there just hasn't been much going on lately. I've been catching up on tv shows... My top list you ask?

1) Pretty Little Liars, biiiiiiiig things are happening!

2) Parks and Recreation, I have a crush on Aziz Ansari... shhhhh...

3) New girl, who doesn't love zooey?

4) Bunheads, cause it's so much like gilmore girls, except completely different.

5) Hart of Dixie, cause I've always wanted to be a southern belle.

I have a life, I swear. It's just... cold outside, you know. And people are stupid.

why that escalated quickly.

My night... in photo form...

it started with this text message...

then escalated into this fancy glass...

bill meets god... or an orb... but he may not have been listening because he was busy eavesdropping on a business meeting...

bill tried to rob russ... and try to get him to drink beer... and find out if he's gay. okay, i added that last part.

we have more entertaining business meetings than guys in polo shirts. our serious business faces. but we moved, so we're business ghosts.

I need more nights out with humans... I'll leave you to ponder on that.

Where's my sticker?

Walmart...

this is the kinda shit I expect to see when I cross the threshold...

I pretty much grew up in a walmart. My mom's worked there as long as I can remember and more often than not she wouldn't have someone to watch me, and my dad worked a lot of nights, so i'd hang out... at walmart... They used to have this awesome restaurant who's name I cant remember that had banging curly fries. I'd waste time and money in the arcade. I'd wander the aisles and was able to help people find pretty much anything they were looking for. So yeah, I became accustomed to the idiots who shopped there in barely any clothing. 

Needless to say, now I absolutely hate walmart. I'd rather not shop there... at all, but sometimes they're the cheapest and most convenient place to go, especially during a national holiday and they're the only store open and you absolutely need a gallon of milk or something... you know. 

However, there is a walmart that I never mind going into. It's about a twenty minute drive from my house but it's probably the calmest, cleanest walmart I have ever been in. I ventured there yesterday and I walked in and didn't immediately get a migraine from the lights or get knocked over by hillbillies in electric scooter carts. A woman accidentally bumped into me and apologized... profusely. I was shocked. I was there a few months ago and a guy with a deep southern accent let me in front of him in line... people are... friendly. And yeah, there may have been a few people wandering in pajamas but i'm not expecting miracles over night for all of humanity...

So I introduce...

The classiest walmart... at least in this area.