My thoughts while driving.

Um, did I just hit something?

Damn potholes.

It's called a turn signal... they're pretty easy to use.

SERIOUSLY, turn your high beams off!

I'm blinded by the light *singing*

I swear I just saw a ghost...

Yep, that's a ghost. I'm gonna die.

The ghost is gonna kill me.

I didn't check the back seat before I got into the car...

Aren't you supposed to do that and check for murderers?

or zombies or something?

I could so take a zombie.

Or pretend to be one.

La de da.

CAT! I want it.

Did I eat dinner?

Ooh, a gummy bear.

Wheres my coffee?

Why didn't I change this cd before I started driving?

This cd is really annoying.

*starts singing a long*

ugh.... winter.

it's dark... are my high beams on?

Is that a cop? No? Okay.

That was a cop...

I wasn't speeding? Cool.

The stars are really pretty tonight.

I wish I could pull over and look at them.

The murderer in my back seat would probably attack me then.

Red lights are stupid. Especially when in a row.

I'm going TEN MPH ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT. Get off my ass!!

Why are you going so slowwww?

Pass me, asshole. I'll slow down until you do.

Mwahahahaha. I hate driving.

Omg I love driving. Wheeeee. No hands.

Okay, I should have hands on the wheel.

Is that a cow? MOOOO.

Am I there yet?

Half way there... living on a prayerrrrrr.

This high way blows. Trucks, you suck.

Can I have a chauffeur? Or a magic carpet?

Or a time machine?

Why did I ever learn to drive?

I never learned to ride a bike....

Why didn't I move somewhere I don't need a car?

I still can....

Omg I'm home.





My head is a scary place.

I can't fake the daytime.

there's not enough time in most days. then there are the days that drag on forever. today was one of those days.

I decided I needed new clothes so I went shopping. i'm awesome at conserving money any more. but seriously, I had $5 in my bank account consistently for the past however many months and I saw a balance with more than two digits and decided to celebrate.

Old navy used to be my best friend so I searched there. I found an awesome denim shirt dress, a super comfortable shirt and a boyfriend sweater. I think that's what it's called. I figured I don't have a boyfriend to steal a sweater from so I may as well suck it up and buy one. And guess what? it's super warm, super cute, and light weight. Boys know what's up in the sweater department.

So then I needed belts, obviously. Apparently rue had some sort of clearance secret sale because what I tallied to be a $15 sale came out to be $4. Yeah, I was pretty stoked. I resisted temptation in the deb and didn't spend $90 for the three shirts I fell in love with. That's progress, me thinks.

Life has been weird. Mother nature hates me. My jobs hate me. I'm pretty sure I'm this close to failing out of grad school for lack of participation. And lack of teaching skills. I'm in the process of transferring to a school closer to home. I figure it's win-win. And Bloomsburg is just... bipolar and cold and lacking any logistics in it's education program so i'm peacing out of there. If Alvernia does not accept me, however, thennnn yeah, I'm dropping out and calling it a day. I'm so consistent.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and decide I wanna be a botanist. That sounds fun. Who knows. I knew this about myself a long time ago and I should have realized it wasn't going to go away just because I grew up and blew away.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that I'm really good at getting people to ignore me. I'm not that person who just sits idly by and shuts up when you're being stupid. sorry. And don't ask me my opinion if you're just going to ignore me when I give it to you. I really... don't know. It's like, ten steps forward, fifty steps back.

I'm dealing so well with life these days, obviously. I'm not quite sure there's a Xanax dose large enough to calm me down half the time. And I hate doctors so I refuse to go soooo i'm left to my own devices of dancing around parking lots and calming myself down in less than healthy ways.

This is why I enjoy the night. It masks everything. I go outside and can't see a damn thing, I can't see the world, and I'm okay with that. The world is a scary place. The night can be scary too. Things seem bigger and badder and way more complicated masked by the night. But the night has the stars and they may be the most magical thing that I have ever seen. Daytime is convenient, but who wants to settle for convenient?

This is not a love story.

Sometimes I feel as if my life is an alternate version of 500 days of summer.

This hits way too close to home. 

I feel like people take ten steps forward and then fifty back and you just end up heart broken or confused or lonely or just a clusterfuck of emotions that you can't decipher. That's where I'm at. 

Why can't people just... Be simple? Why can't feelings not be messy? Clean cut sandwiches instead of hot wings for dinner. I guess that would be boring. Whatever. 

If I've learned anything in life it's that once you stop trying, what's the point? Something inside shuts off and you just can't care anymore, at least not in the moment. Each moment is fleeting, so hey, that may change, but in the now? Trying is tiresome and I don't sleep enough for this bullshit. 

People are just stupid. Sometimes I wonder what life is like in other places. I wonder what the people are like and if they're friendly, if they keep their promises, if they make an effort. Or if they're just the same untrustworthy selfish losers I know the human race to be. No offense, people. But humanity as a whole kinda blows. 

Maybe I'll just leave this place. Maybe it'll be better. I can start over as my own best friend.

I told myself I'd be more positive this year. Maybe this is a start.

Road rage

First, I should say that I am, by no means, the best driver in the world. In fact, I suck, mostly at night, at getting myself from point A to B without panicking. But there are certain things that are just common sense...

1. If I can't see your headlights in my mirror you are toooooo close. Seriously, how hard is it to brake before you're on my bumper? Also, if you see me moving up because this occurs, don't freaking move up more so you're just as close, douches.

2) If you're turning... just put your turn signal on. It's not that hard. Also, if you're turning... five turns from now, don't put your turn signal on and pass all the turns and expect me to read your mind and brake quickly enough to not have to swerve around your dumb ass.

3) You can't be blind... so you obviously see me and my huge gold car coming towards you... with no traffic behind me, so why the hell do you need to pull out in front of me? Oh, you're on your cell phone and trying to apply makeup. Okay, makes sense.

4) It's raining and it's foggy and yeah, I'm going below the speed limit. See that lane right to the left of me? Oh, that's the passing lane. Completely empty. Use it. 

5) I get that it's day time and you don't feel the need to use your headlights, that used to be me, but seriously? It's winter, the sun is not out and it's randomly foggy... your headlights might not make much of a difference to you (or maybe if you tried them they would...) but it certainly makes me be able to spot your speeding ass in a quickly manner so i can avoid you.

That's just the start of it... maybe I need to hire a chauffeur.

So yeah, I dropped my Tuesday night class and this week, the first week, I had to skip class tonight because I freak out when I reached a curvy stretch of road, covered in snow, and fog so thick I couldn't see. So hopefully my professor is awesome enough to not hold it against me, because I think I'm more valuable to the class alive than if I'd end up in a ditch somewhere. Cause honestly, I just didn't see myself in class tonight. For whatever reason. But I still attempted to go... so if I wouldn't have turned around, and my vision of not getting there came true, who knows where I would have ended up. I'm paranoid, I know.

You love my psychosis...

You tell me I'm a wreck...

I definitely bit off more than I can chew this time. 70 hour work weeks? Bring it. Three jobs? Lets go. But commuting to and from school, three times a week, an hr each way, in the dark? It's my kryptonite apparently. I spent an hr and a half on a high way, in the fog and pouring rain screaming obscenities at trucks and having panic attacks tonight.

I've always been really open about my anxiety. Usually I can handle it. Deep breathing, secluding myself, positive thinking, rocking, whatever it takes to calm myself down. Those choices are limited when you're driving and absolutely certain you're about to die. It takes something away from you. All rational thought goes out the window and bam, you're gone. You can't breathe and can't feel your legs and you see things that aren't there or aren't what they seem. It's scary. Maybe I should be on something for it but up until this point I've been okay with it. Now that may change.

So yeah, I'm dropping a class. I'm waiting to hear back from my advisor about which class she thinks I should drop, but I made it pretty clear which one i wanted to drop, tomorrows.... Cause I can't drive there and back one more time this week. I'm certain it will kill me, and that's rational Megan talking on that one. I guess I just inherited a book for a class that I may never use. But bright side is I'm doing it early enough that ill get the money back for it.

One of my professors told us that she gets we wanna finish school but our goal isn't to finish... It's to learn, no matter how long that may take us. And I guess I need t be okay with the fact that I may not be done in two years.

So for now here's to not rushing things, to asshole drivers who obviously don't know what the passing lane is for, and to mental health awareness. Maybe ill post something more philosophical and mindful tomorrow. Right now I need to crash before I down the case of twisted tea I have sitting in my room and don't wake up for work tomorrow.

oh look, you made the tree sad.

Seuss knew what was up.

Do you know what would be grand? If everyone just said what they were feeling. No mixed signals, no cryptic messages, no hoping the other person gained mind-reading skills over night. Straightforwardness. Myself included in this, as I am a guilty party as well.

Sometimes it's really hard, I know. 

But wouldn't it be lovely to go up to someone and say "hey, you're a douche-ass-hat, and you need to leave me alone now."? 

Or "Hi, I like you, let's get married and stuff?"

There are a million examples of things you could just... say. If you felt them.

Granted, it may not always be appropriate and it may not always be kind, but that's life. If everyone adopted this attitude of saying what they felt, and nobody took offense, life would be awesome. That's never going to happen. People would be mean about it, take it the wrong way, and blow things totally out of proportion.

That's not going to stop me, half the time, from speaking my mind though. When people piss me off, I tell them. If you're standing in front of me, I'll tell you to leave because your face makes me wanna punch a tree or something, and seriously, the tree did nothing to deserve that. 

Sigh. I don't know. It also makes me sad thinking about how much things change. You know, how one second you're bffs and the next it's like you don't even know each other. It's like life swoops in and just, in a moment, nothing you knew to be true is true anymore. 

I know I'm majorly at fault for bipolar friendships because my moods swing like a hammock in a tornado but sometimes, even I know it isn't me. Maybe it's not the other person entirely, either. But it's definitely not me. I can handle being the one to end things, the one at fault, cause at least then I'm in control (yep, control issues, this girl right here), and I can take the blame. 

I think this stemmed from the face that it's best friends day or something like that, as my friends on instagram so kindly informed me.  I wish life let me have one best friend, or one set of close friends. That would be easy? I mean, I'm so so so lucky to have the awesome people in my life. Three of whom I've know since 1st, 5th, and 6th grade. We be tight, yo. And we have that bond that I know we can go light-years without seeing each other then pick right back up. But the other ones, I speak of. The people who come and go and come again and they make my head wanna spin off into the universe and never return. 

Consistency is something I've always kinda craved but never really had with my life. I think that's why I form attachments to people and have such a hard time letting go. Guys especially. Some romantic, others not. Actually, mostly not. At the romantic end I kinda just throw that out to see and watch it burn with some popcorn anymore... I'm not heartless, I've just been there so many times that it gets easier. Except for one. But that's another story for another time, kids. cue ted mosby like music. 

Ahem, but yeah, guy friends seem to just waltz out. Especially the moment they find a significant other. Which i get. I do. Who wants to date a guy who's best friends with a girl, right ladies? It sucks, but jealousy runs in girls veins like glitter. Even the chillest girls on the outside have it in them. I'm sure after a while it would get to me too if I have came across that situation which I really haven't yet. So it's only natural that my guy bffs go off and find females and ditch me. Whatevs. But seriously, don't get mad at me when I'm the one to ditch you first before you can ditch me (hello, control pops up again). I'm going to distance myself.  If I genuinely care about you I'm going to want you to have a healthy and satisfying relationship and I wont do anything to jeopardize it. Again, it sucks. But I'm caring like that. It's when I don't leave, and I become close to the bitch it's that you should worry. Cause it probably means I secretly hate your guts.

Justtttttt kidding. Or am I? 

all children, except one, grow up.

If I've ever found truth in this, it's now.

Today, I started my graduate career. I sat in a room with about 20-25 other graduate students, either just starting or who recently started and we did an ice breaker and had a discussion on cultural diversity and took a pre-teacher test.

As I sat there a girl who sat next to me (she got a musical theater under grad degree...) asked me a million questions. Like, what courses am I signed up for and who the professors are, and about my life history. I honestly had no idea how to answer half of her questions. I could tell her that I graduated from Millersville with a psychology degree and that it's my first semester there. Yet I had no clue what classes I was signed up for or who was teaching them. I so wasn't prepared. Not to mention I don't do well with questions about myself, especially in a group setting. I can break out in song lyrics and I can recite poetic quotes but when it comes to myself, I haven't a clue. I adopted this go with the flow attitude so long ago and I guess that ends the second you sign up for graduate school. Suddenly they have me filling out questionnaires and needing to write a life action plan with goals and ways of achieving them and a time table for each goal. I don't know what I'm planning on doing two days from now, how the hell am I supposed to write out a plan for two years from now?

I guess I need to wing it, though. I guess I need to finally think about these things. I can't succeed in grad school without a plan, apparently. I thought applying was a huge step, apparently that's nothing. I need to figure out where this is going.

This resulted in my reading the course syllabus for each class and having mini panic attacks thinking about the course load I'm taking on. Lesson plans and book club discussions, and hosting a math event at a local elementary school... It sounds like so much, you know? On top of working two jobs. How this has anything to do with wanting to teach in an autistic support classroom is beyond me. I guess... I'll figure it out though. My books are bought. There's no going back now.

Even if I want to run screaming, as far as possible. Cause I told myself at the start of this year I'd face my fears. I guess I'm going to get to face group work and public speaking all this semester.

When did I grow up?